Barry Saucepan and the Unnecessary Sequel
by Long live the pickles
Summary: The Chamber of Smells.Dum Dum Duuuuuuuuuuuuuum!Barry Saucepan is at his second year of Hogwarts.SAME MENTAL CHARACTERS YOU KNOW!MORE CRAZY HAPPENINGS!Barry, Don, Mione, Lemo, Andy, Andrew, Emo and Of course Winston go on more crazy Adventures!Check it out
1. Birthday Surprise

Hey guys! This is the sequel to my first story: Barry Saucepan and the Ugly Rock! I would like to thank my reviewers of that story, cause I realised after I had posted the last chapter, I hadn't done an over all thank-you:O so...Thanx to...**_Hermionebabe06, Lemo The Lemo, I am a Banana, 4eva-lost, _**

**_fork-tofu-pingpong-fish, Maran-DUH, BlackAugust, Amy Martin, MollyBurleyFools, Quedalle, Dilapidated- queen-of-all, WarriorByNight, Amarvi, sirkatalot, YouGotPhoned, Galleena, loonygrl90!_** Thanx! It was great to hear what you guys thought! Please review again! and I hope you like the next story! and please any new comers, review too!

**Barry Saucepan and the Unnecessary Sequel**

**The Chamber of Smells...**

**Chapter one: Birthday Surprise and Knockharp**

Barry lay awake, listening to the unsteady snores of his uncle and the loud grunts of his enormously over weight cousin, Dudley. Barry had just turned fourteen, most of the people in his year had already turned fourteen, Andy had, Andrew had, Don and Mione had and Lemo had in December. Barry sighed, the Dursleys probably won't even remember his birthday...Just as Barry was pondering this, three owls flew into his window - his window was shut.

"What the fuck!" Barry exclaimed - quietly - as he jumped up to check out what had banged into his window. As soon as he opened the window, the three owls flew in, one his own snowey white owl, Bedfig. Each owl had a package tied to their legs, obediently they all stuck out their feet. Carefully, Barry untied all their packages from their legs - the other two flew away as its package was taken away. The package Bedfig had bought was a dead rat, trying not to hurt her feelings; Barry picked up the rat and pretended to look interested,

"Clever Bedwig! But I think I'd appreciate it more if you kept it for yourself..."

With a satisfied click of her beck, Bedwig took the rat into her cage as Barry tried to wipe his fingers which had touched the rat on his clothes. He grabbed the next package, which had a letter attached. Barry first read the letter,

_Barry. SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!_

_How have you been? _

_Done anything interesting? _

_Missed me at all? _

_Of course you have! Now, we have to take you away from that hell hole! Mrs. Weasel has offered to have all our friends at Don's house, (Fuck, she's a brave woman...) Andy's here, but she was determined to send her pressie with Winnie, (her owl - I swear she's bloody **obsessed** with Winnie the Pooh! It's a shitty little muggle thing, he can't do ANYTHING!). Andy and I haven't done much, mostly gone on the enternet, (**Now that's a REAL cool muggle invention!**). Drew and Andy have been sending each other mail every two seconds! Honestly every two seconds a fucking owl flies in the bloody window! (Lucky we ain't that bad! Eh?)_

Barry eyed his dresser, it was absolutely covered in letters from Lemo, and he laughed and continued reading.

_Anyway, don't you worry; we'll be coming to save your ass as soon as we get to Don's house. We'll be getting to your house whether we have to it the muggle way or not!_

_Well, cya soon Saucey!_

_Lemo_

_P.S: **HAPPY BIRTHDAY!**_

Barry laughed as he went to grab the package from Lemo, just then another four letters banged into the window, which he had shut again.

"Oh, fuck!" Barry muttered, he pulled the window open, "Sorry fellas!"

In flew the four owls looking slightly ruffled. The poor owls found it a little hard to balance on one leg, as Barry untied their packages, they too flew away immediately.

"Wow!" Barry said excitedly as he began to open Lemos present. _Please don't be a smuggleypoo..._ he thought. Inside, was a book. Barry sighed with relief, he look at the cover. It was called, "The **real** tactics of Qudditch".

"Wicked, Lemo!" A note dropped out it said,

_Smuggleypoos had run out! Sorry Barry! Hope you like this just as much!_

Barry reached for another package, immediately he recognises Andy's tidy handwriting, (she only bothered occasionally to write tidily.)

_Heya Barry!_

_Having a good birthday with the muggles? _

_You poor guy! Well anyway Happy Birthday! Dunno if Lemo said anything, but we're going to Don's house soon, and then we're going to come get you. Mr. and Mrs. Weasel said they'll help. But Mr. Weasel works for the Ministry and he'll be super busy. So we'll probably come for you! _

_TTFN_

_(TaTa For Now)_

_Andy_

Barry opened the present from Andy, it was yet another printed t-shirt saying "No shit Sherlock, go tell Watson" Barry laughed.

Grabbing yet another package Barry read the note,

_Hi dude!_

_Barry, we're coming soon! Ain't going to waffle as much as I'm sure the chicks did. We're going to Don's place. See you there. Happy Birthday._

_Andrew._

Typical Andrew, straight to the point, he unwrapped his present. It was an expensive leather jacket,

"Wow, sweet!" Barry said putting it on.

Barry, unwrapped all the other presents, he had gotten; Berty Blotts Every Flavour Beans - from Emo, A homemade cake, tarts and Broomstick compass from Don and "History of Quidditch" and some chocolate frogs from Mione. Barry looked at his collection of presents happily, he then noticed another letter, and he opened it,

_Dear Mr. Saucepan,_

_Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first. The Hogwarts Express will leave from Kings Cross Station, platform nine and three-quarters at eleven o'clock. A list of books for next year is enclosed._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Professor M. McGonagall_

_Deputy Headmistress_

Barry pulled out the other piece of paper, with the list,

_The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 2 - **Miranda Goshawk**_

_Wanderings With Werewolves - **Gilderoy Knockharp**_

_Voyages With Vampires - **Gilderoy Knockharp**_

_Break With a Banshee - **Gilderoy Knockharp**_

_Gadding With Ghouls - **Gilderoy Knockharp**_

_Holidays With Hags - **Gilderoy Knockharp**_

_Travels With Trolls - **Gilderoy Knockharp**_

_Year with Yeti - **Gilderoy Knockharp**_

"Wow," Barry said aloud, "This person must really **love** Gilderoy Knockharp..."


	2. The Masons and Bloody Cobby

**Thanks I am a Banana!**

**Chapter two: The Masons and Bloody Cobby**

"Now, rehersals! It's four o'clock! Where will you be Dudley?" Mr Dursley prompted.

"At the door, waiting to take Mr. and Mrs. Masons coats."

"Well done! Petunia?"

"Waiting in the lounge to greet our guests to our humble home."

"And you...?" Mr. Dursley said putting his fat ugly face up close to Barry's.

"I'll be sitting in my room, pretending I don't exist."

"Right, you will! Next, what do we do?"

"I'll serve dinner!"

"I'll escort Mrs. Mason through to the dinning room!" Dudley said pretending to offer an invisible Mrs. Mason his large arm, at this Mrs. Dursley began crying,

"He's such a gentleman!"

Barry rolled his eyes, _Get me a bag, so I can hurl..._

"And you...?"

"Same as before."

"And what was that?"

"Sitting in my room pretending I don't exist," Barry recited.

"Exactly, also, I'd appriciate if you'll keep that blasted bird locked up!" Mr. Dursley said pushing his face even closer to Barry's face, spit flying. Barry wiped his face,

"Sure. And _I'd_ appriciate it if you would use some-"

"Dad! Pass the pancakes!"

"Mints," Barry finished as Mr. Dursley became distracted with passing the mountain of pancakes.

At four o'clock sharp the doorbell rang, straight away Mrs. Dursley began fussing - begginning with Barry.

"Up! Upstairs now! Quick!" Mrs. Dursley hissed, banishing a dishtowel at him.

Barry ran upstairs, the last thing he heard from downstairs as he shut his bedroom door was Dudley,

"May, I take your coats Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"

Barry gagged,

"God, how can they think that - Who the hell are you! And how did you get in my room!" Barry asked startled, spotting a walking dishtowel jumping up and down on his bed. No, not a dishtowel...some kind of Hobbit or Elf...

"Sir! What a pleasure to meet you!" The elf _thing_ said, bowing so low his nose almost toughed the ground, "I'm Cobby the house elf, sir."

"Uhh...Hi Cobby...What are you doing here?" Barry said eyeing the odd creature.

"Cobby is here to warn you that you must not return to Hogwarts!" The house elf squeaked.

"That's lovely...why?"

"Horrible things are planned for Hogwarts!"

"Like..."

Suddenly, with a look of shock the house elf began banging his head with 'History of Quidditch', screaming in pain each time.

"Cobby! Don't! You don't have to tell me! Just please put the book down!"

This seemed to calm Cobby and he put down the book,

"You can't return to Hogwarts!" he squeaked, tears of pain streaking down his face.

Barry looked at the house elf,

"I have to return to Hogwarts, it's my home. Besides all my friends are there!"

"Friends who don't write to you?"

"What?"

"Cobby, tried his best to stop Mr. Saucepan from returning to Hogwarts...he even took you mail, to try and convince Mr. Saucepan he was unloved..." Cobby said shakily, holding up a handful of letters - all addressed to a Mr. H. Potter.

"Uh...Cobby...that's not my mail..."

"It's not? Oh, bugger," Cobby said looking really put out.

"So...What's going on there?"

"Cobby must not say! If only his family knew where Cobby was! Cobby has already ironed his hands as punishment!" Cobby said, showing Barry his bandaged hands.

"Cobby, why? Why did you punish yourself?" Barry said shocked.

"Because Cobby was bad."

"But-" Barry spluttered.

"Barry Saucepan must not return to Hogwarts!" the elf yelled, as he began hitting himself once more with the book.

"Cobby stop!"

Mr. Dursley voice came from the bottom of the stairs,

"I'm assuming Dudley must have left his television on! Forgetful tyke!" Barry then heard Mr. Dursley's stomping up the stairs.

"Shit! Cobby hide!" Barry hissed trying to jam Cobby into a nearby shoe box.

"Mr. Saucepan, sir! Cobby won't fit in there..."

Mr. Dursley burst through the door,

"What the hell are you playing at!" He spoke as loud as he dared.

"N-nothing..." Barry said looking around for Cobby.

Mr. Dursley noticed him looking around,

"What are you looking for?"

"Uhh..." Barry said thinking quickly for something that he could be looking for, "...My smuggleypoo," straight away he wanted to hit himself over the head.

Mr. Dursley looked at him with a brief look of confusion,

"And whats that!"

"An animal my girlfriend sent me for my birthday."

"You have a girlfriend?" Mr. Dursley looked more confused now than he ever did, "Why would someone want to go out with you!"

"What's wrong with me?"

Mr. Dursley looked him up and down,

"_Everything_! Does she know about your little secret?"

"Course she does-"

"Oh, Vernon!"

"Coming dear! The blasted thing won't turn off!" he then turned to face Barry, "Button it, or no tea for a week!"

"Whatever..."

Looking furious, Mr. Dursley turned on his heel and walked out.

As soon as the door closed with a snap, Cobby reappeared.

"See, Cobby...? See why I can't stay here? They think I'm a total freak!"

Cobby shook his head, his ears flapping,

"But...Mr. Saucepan, Hogwarts is too dangerous this year!"

"Cobby, it's a risk I'm - Hey!" Barry said looking out his window, Cobby turned too and relising they weren't alone turned back to Barry,

"Barry Saucepan! Dont't go to Hogwarts!" he squeak, then disapeared with a snap of his fingers.

"Barry! You going to open this shitty window or not?" Andy called from her broomstick. Barry's mouth dropped open, Andy flicked her hair,

"Yes, I know! I'm gorgeous - bit of a shock, now get your ass over here!" she said laughing, by her side Andrew appeared,

"Barry, you going to open this window or what? It's fucking freezing out here!"


	3. Rescue Mission Plus Floatin Pies Equals?

**Chapter three: Rescue Mission + Floating Pies ?**

"Guys! What are you doing here?" Barry asked amazed as he opened the window. Andrew and Andy jumped in; Andrew was dressed normal, while Andy was dressed in a one piece black spy suit thing.

"Rescuing you! Now move over we're got to get your stuff ready for the car..."

"The car?" Barry asked watching Andrew and Andy try and lift the dressing table, "Uhh...guys I don't want to take that with me..."

"You don't?" Andy said surprised, immediately she dropped it.

"Argh! Fuck, my foot!" Andrew said through gritted teeth, trying his best not to yell.

Andy gasped,

"Oh! I'm so sorry Drew! But get over it, we got work to do!"

"Well, so far all you guys have successfully done is getting rid of the hobbit..." Barry muttered.

"Hobbit?"

"Drew focus! Now, Barry where is your school shit?"

Barry's hopes for escaping sank with his stomach,

"Downstairs. Locked up in a bloody cupboard," he said bitterly, but Andrew didn't even flinch,

"Am, you got a hair pin?"

Barry looked at how Andy had her hair. Even as an oblivious guy to the world of female hairstyles, he could tell Andy had a _heap_ of hair pins in that funny, messy bun thing...

"Sure!" Andy said, her hand began investigating around her hair, "Black, brown, blue, pink or funny glitter?"

"Whatever..." Andrew said distractedly, as he stacked Bedfig's cage near the window. Barry began to gather his birthday presents and stack them as well.

"Sup guys! Anything I can do?" Emo said, jumping off her broom into the room.

"I thought you weren't going to come?" Andrew said, turning to leave the room, "And Barry, show me where this cupboard is..." he added over his shoulder. Barry left Andy and Emo to continue turning the room upside down to find everything he might need.

"They won't blow anything up will they?" Barry asked, worried about leaving Andy and Emo alone in his room.  
"Yea, they should be good, I told Am she had to leave her wand behind...don't want anyone on our backs, for casting spells do we?"

"Yea," Barry said laughing, "What was Andy wearing anyway?"

"Never ever again. I will never let Am see any more muggle music videos! I let her pick a TV channel when she came over to my house, and she found the music channel. Liberty X was on! You know that song, 'Just a little bit'? And their all dressed in spy gear?" Barry shook his head. "Oh well, yea. She thought since we were coming on a 'mission' she _had_ to dress up for it!" Andrew rolled his brown eyes, "Lemo loved the idea, she's dressed up too...I have no idea where they got the clothes!"

Barry laughed,

"Careful, bottom stair creaks," he whispered, "Now, it's the cupboard under these stairs."

Andrew skipped the last step and turned to face the cupboard, bent the hairpin out, so it was straight and he then proceeded to pick at the lock. Not knowing how he could help, Barry just looked around. That's when he noticed it. The rabid dishtowel/Hobbit was back - and he was in the kitchen.

"Be right back Drew, the hobbit is back..."

"Yea, whatever..." Andrew muttered in reply as he concentrated on the lock.

Barry crept into the kitchen, inside Cobby stood there tapping his foot,

"Mr. Saucepan didn't come very quickly!' he squeaked.

"What are you doing, Cobby?"

"Making Mr. Saucepan promise he won't return to Hogwarts!"

"Cobby, I won't-"

Cobby snapped his fingers, above him the pie Mrs. Dursley had prepared for dessert floated several inches off its plate.

"Ohhhhh, crap...Cobby don't you dare..."

"Promise."

"Are you black mailing me?"

Cobby looked shocked,

"Cobby, is doing what he must do!"

Above him Barry heard the sound of more feet stepping onto the landing, he then heard the soft footsteps of someone coming down the stairs. A few minutes later, Lemo appeared - dressed in a similar get-up as Andy.

"Hey Saucey! Drew's taking the trunk up now to put in the car. Now, c'mon!"

Suddenly Dudley voice floated in from the dining room,

"Oh, mother don't fuss! I shall go get the dessert for you!" there was a scraping of a chair and Dudley walked into the room. Cobby darted out - with the dessert following him, floating high in the air.

Spotting Dudley, (well, he is difficult to miss...) Lemo's eyes grew round - but not as much as Dudleys. Lemo spoke first,

"Barry, why is there a whale standing in the doorway?"

Barry tried not to laugh,

"Um, Lemo this is my cousin-"

"DURSLEY IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE!" Mr. Mason bellowed.

"Well-"

"MY WIFE IS TERRIFIED OF FLYING PIES!"

"Sorry-"

"ARGH!" Mrs. Dursley screamed, "A bird! A bird!"

"It's an owl Petunia..."

A few seconds later a door slammed behind the Mason's.

"MUM! DAD! Barry bought a girl into-"

"NOT ALLOWED TO DO MAGIC OUTSIDE SCHOOL!"

"Shit, we got to dash Lemo!"

"Oh! Well bye bye, Dudley - good luck with Greenpeace!"

Barry ran up the stairs pulling Lemo up with him.

Bursting through his door, Barry and Lemo saw everyone had packed up everything. Outside a car was parked, hovering just outside his room.

"Quick guys! Hop in!" Mione called from inside the car.

"HE'S GETTING AWAY!" Mr. Dursley yelled, stomping up the stairs.

"No time!" Lemo cried throwing herself out the window and onto the shut trunk of the car - clinging onto the outside.

"Nuh-uh..." Barry said shaking his head.  
"DON'T STEP AS MUCH AS A FOOT OUT OF THIS HOUSE!" he was getting closer...

"Shit, here goes nothing!" Barry said, running and diving out the window, landing on the car - just as Mr. Dursley appeared in the door way.

"DRIVE! DRIVE!" Lemo yelled as Mr. Dursley hobbled as fast as his fat short legs could take him.

"NO! YOU DON'T!" he yelled grabbing Barry's foot.

"Yes, he does!" Andrew said, breaking Mr. Dursley's grip on Barry with the end of his broomstick, "Go guys!"

The car kicked into life and sped off, closely followed by Emo, Andy and Andrew on their broomsticks. Knowing he had lost, Mr Dursley called after him,

"FUCK YOU SAUCEPAN! DON'T YOU WORRY! WE'RE STUCK WITH YOU NEXT SUMMER!"

**Sorry for the wait! I just got banned from the net "Cause I couldn't get out of bed at a respectable hour" Respectable hour my ass...**


	4. Travelling in the Night

**Chapter four: Travelling in the Night**

Barry lay on his back on the car trunk with Lemo beside him. Flying on their brooms beside the car, Andy and Andrew started talking about what they had done when they were apart, while Emo said,

"Well I feel as though I'm just a tag-along...Where's Jesse when you need him?"

Lemo laughed, but Barry sat up,

"Jesse? I thought his name was Joel?"

"No, different guy. Dumped Joel. He annoyed me. So then I went out with Jarrod," Emo said shaking her head.

"Jarrod? What? I thought you said Jesse?" Barry said totally confused.

Emo looked at him,

"Yea...I dumped Joel, went out with Jarrod, he was too clingy. And now I'm going out with Jesse."

Barry just shrugged,

"Whatever..."

Don put his head out the driver's window,

"All okay back there guys?"

"Yea, we're sweet!" Lemo called back.

"Don! Whose car is this?"

"Well, Barry you see-"

"DON! WATCH THE BLOODY SKY!"

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"

The car suddenly dived, Barry and Lemo clung to the car for their lives, as Andy, Andrew and Emo dived with the car. The narrowly missed plane, roared over head.

"Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-" Don chanted.

"Don! You're a prized dumbarse! The muggle pilot of that plane probably saw us!" Mione yelled clearly from the front of the car.

"Is the backseat empty?" Emo interrupted.

"YES!" Mione and Don yelled back to her.

"Whoa...grumpy..." she said, flying closer to the car, before opening the door and jumping in.

"Hey!" Barry exclaimed, "If the backseat is empty, then where's my stuff!"

Lemo knocked on the trunk they were sitting on,

"Uhh...The boot maybe?"

"Oh, of course..."

"Hey, Barry. What were you on about with a hobbit?" Andrew asked curiously, as he held Andy broom steady, she was attempting to use it like a surfboard.

"Well, that's an accident waiting to happen," Don said looking at Andy in the rear vision mirror.

"So...? It's all good!' Andy replied she then jumped a small way backwards - off her broom.

"HOLY SHIT!" Andrew yelled as Andy fell, but she only fell a bit, before grabbed onto her broom with her hands. Laughing she pulled herself back onto her broom.

"Fuck! Guys! Did Andy just fall?" Don asked worried, to scared to turn around.

"Nope, she just was freaking the shit out of Andrew..." Lemo replied rolling around on the trunk laughing at poor Andrews' pale, shocked face.

"Again!"

"Yep."

Andrew folded his arms across his chest,

"Guys that did look scary! Anyway...Barry you haven't answered my question about the Hobbit!"

"Oh, yea. Cobby."

"Yea..." Andrew said waving his arms encouragingly, "And...?"

"Was his last name Corn?" came Emo's muffled voice.

"Corn?" Lemo said confused.

"Cobby...Corn...!" Andy spluttered, laughing at the slightly sad joke. At this explanation Lemo joined in on the laughing,

"That's so corny!" Lemo said this earned more laughing from Emo, Andy and a small giggle from Mione.

"C'mon, guys focus!" Andrew moaned.

Barry shook his head,

"Well, I don't know about the 'Corn' bit, but he was definitely weird. He told me that I shouldn't return to Hogwarts because 'terrible things' were supposed to be happening..."

"'Terrible things?'" Andrew asked doubtfully, Barry nodded, while Lemo looked at him,

"Wait...you had a _hobbit_ in your house?"

Barry nodded again. Lemo grabbed his glasses,

"Me thinks you need to get a stronger script for your glasses!" she said looking at them closely.

"No, Lemo I saw him, he talked to me!"

"And perhaps get rid of the weed you've been smoking..."

"No, Lemo-"

Lemo gasped,

"You're really smoking weed!"

"No, that's not what I said..."

Lemo calmed slightly,

"Good, because if you had been smoking it and hadn't offered any to me...I mean I wouldn't smoke any, but it would good to be offered-"

"All okay back there?" Don asked.

"Yea..."

"Yea, whatever, Lemo you saw Cobby too!"

"I did?"

"Yea! It was the weird thing I was talking to!"

"The pile of dirty laundry?"

"Yea! I mean, no! Well...sort of...I mean he does _look_ sort of-"

"Oh my fucking god! I know what it is! It was a house elf!" Lemo said in triumph, "A poorly looked after one, I might add..."

"A house elf?" Andy said wrinkling her nose, "I thought your Aunt and Uncle were muggles, Barry?" At the same time, Andrew said,

"What the fuck is that!"

"Like a little slave for the rich wizard families - mean and unfairly treated most of the time," Andy said with an offhand wave of her arm, as she pulled a face.

"Oh."

"So, your saying a house elf told me not to go back to Hogwarts?"

"Yep! Rather weird really, house elves have a good amount of their own magic. But they don't tend to use it...too afraid of what their families would do, I suppose…" Lemo said, also pulling a face.

"What their families would do?" Andrew and Barry said at the same time.

"Yea, if they do something bad, then their families usually punish them..."

"Why?"

"Because they misbehaved, and in their opinion they need to punish them."

"Wow," Barry said.

"Harsh," Andrew said shaking his head.

"Well, Cobby did seem to be trying to hurt himself a lot. I just thought he was emotionally unstable or something..."

"He was probably punishing himself to save his family the effort."

"But that's just-"

"Insane? Yea, that's the wizarding world," Lemo said grimly, "Which brings me to another point-"

"Everyone okay back there!" Don called again.

"YES! Don! No matter how many times you ask, WE'RE fine! If you hear the sound of slipping and one of us disappears - THEN ASK IF WE'RE OKAY!" Lemo yelled back impatiently, "Now, what was I saying? Yes! That brings me to another point...It's highly unlikely Cobby would've gone to visit you Barry, _unless_ he had been ordered to. A joke maybe?"

"Are you saying Cobby was pulling my leg?"

"Exactly, Cobby Corn was bullshitting ya," Lemo said with a triumphant arm movement.

"But, why?" Andrew said, stroking his chin.

"You really have a thing about stroking your chin don't you Drew?" Lemo said noticing.

"He does?" Andy said looking at the now blushing and struggling to stay balanced on his broomstick Andrew.

"Uhh...Not really..." he said, removing his hand immediately.

"Yes you do! You did it when you were thinking at the chess match last year!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yea you did!"

"No-"

"Guys?" Barry said waving his hands in the air, "Problem at hand?"

"Oh yea! So Barry, any person you know who wouldn't want you back at Hogwarts?"

Andy began stroking her chin, mocking Andrew, pretending to think,

"Hmm...I wonder...who hates Barry...? Who's a total rich dick...? Hmmm... Toughie..."

"Malfoy!" They all yelled, including Emo, Mione and Don. Lemo turned to look into the car,

"What are you guys on about?"

"Well, all we heard was Andys' little speech, so we knew who it was..." Emo said.

"Fair enough," Lemo said turning back to the other way.

"Yo! Don, how much further?" Andy called to the front,

"Uh...No idea, probably get there by sunrise..."


	5. Arriving at The Marrow

**THANX! to: Lemo The Lemon, WarriorByNight and I am a Banana (I love all the marshmellows!) **

* * *

**Chapter five: Arriving at The Marrow**

"Okay now, remember the plan!" Don whispered, as he pushed the front door to the Marrow open - his home.

"Yep, sure. Now what was that again?" Andy whispered back.

Don sighed,

"Go to bed, act normal. Then wake up and say, 'Hey mum/Mrs. Weasel! Guess who appeared overnight!'"

"Donald..." Mione moaned.

"Well, Don how long did it take you to come up with that crap?" Andrew said shaking his head.

"Yea Don! How would Barry _appear overnight_! Hmmm? Apparate did he? Flew here on his magic carpet!" Lemo screeched.

"Hey, leave my magic carpet out of this..." Barry joked.

"You have a magic carpet!" Emo's eyes grew round, "Why bother with a broom. I mean a broom certainly starts to hurt like hell after awhile..."

Barry rolled his eyes,

"Emo, I don't _really_ have-"

"WHERE THE **HELL** HAVE YOU LOT BEEN!"

"Mummy!" Don said, opening his arms, hoping to breeze over the situation with a hug.

"BEDS EMPTY! NO NOTE! NO CAR! NO CLUES ABOUT WHERE YOU WENT! I WAS IN A RIGHT PANIC! **YOUR** PARENTS TRUSTED ME TO LOOK AFTER YOU! YOU COULD HAVE DIED! YOU COULD'VE BEEN **SEEN**! YOU COULD'VE RUN OUT OF GAS IN MID-FLIGHT! YOU COULD'VE-"

"Uhh...mum...Barry's here!" Don interupted, for a brief moment Mrs. Weasel's eyes flashed so dangerously Don cowered slightly,

"I'm going to die," he whimpered.

But Mrs. Weasel's eyes softened,

"Barry, dear of course I don't blame you one bit! You go and tuck into some breakfast," she said smiling.

"Uh...Thanks Mrs. Weasel..." Barry said scared. Then Mrs. Weasel turned back to the rest of them,

"YOU'RE ALL GREAT KIDS - BUT WOULD IT KILL YOU THINK! YOU'RE TEENAGERS - NEARLY ADULTS! YOU SHOULD BE ABLE **_THINK_**! WHAT IF - "

"Mum, they were treating him like dirt! There was _bars_ on his windows and he was shut in his room while they had visitors! Mum, their cruel! It's like their ashamed - "

"DONALD RONALD WEASEL! ENOUGH! ARTHUR AND I WERE PLANNING ON COLLECTING BARRY FROM HIS AUNT AND UNCLES LATER TODAY!"

"You were?"

"YES LEAH! WE WERE!"

"Opps-"

"OPPS IS RIGHT! NOW I HAVE A RIGHT MIND TO SEND OWLS TO ALL OF YOURS PARENTS EXPLAINING-"

"Uh...Mrs. Weasel, Mione and my parents are muggle, they wouldn't really-"

"ANDREW WATSON! I DON'T CARE! I WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO HAVE SOME BREAKFAST AND SOMEONE FOR GOD SAKE POUR ME A SCOTCH!"

Most of them exchanged looks,

"I don't know how much-"

"One shot or two Mrs. Weasel?" Andy asked brightly, Mrs. Weasel held up two fingers, while her other hand clutched her chest, "Sure Mrs. Weasel and I'm presuming Lemonade?" Mrs. Weasel nodded.


	6. Just Hanging Around

**Chapter six: Just Hanging Around**

Everyone watched Mrs. Weasel walk quickly around the kitchen, throwing sausages into the frying pan and bewitching the eggs to crack themselves.

"I can't believe they did that..." she muttered, taking another gulp of her scotch and lemonade Andy made mixed.

"Mum...?"

"Yes, Donald?" The scotch had calmed her slightly.

"Can you put us down now?" Don, Andrew, Mione, Emo and Lemo were all hang by their ankles from the roof. Andy was off the hook because she made her the scotch and of course 'Barry hadn't asked them to be foolish...'

"I'll put you down when I'm ready!" Mrs. Weasel said, in a voice that sounded as though that was final.

They all groaned.

"All I got as a kid was time out..." Andrew muttered, Mione nodded, agreeing.

"Lucky you..." Don said.

"What was that Donald?"

"N-nothing mum!"

"Amber, dear could you pour me plain lemonade? I seemed to have calmed down enough..."

"Of course!" Andy jumped up and filled Mrs. Weasel's empty glass.

"I'm hoooooooooooooome!" Mr. Weasel said, walking into the room, "How's my happy family and - Oh no, what have the twins done this time?" Mr. Weasel noticed Mrs, Weasel's tired expression.

"It's wasn't the twins," she said jerking her head to the hanging-by-the-ankles teenagers.

"I swear we didn't have this many when I left for work!" Mr. Weasel said counting heads.

"Their not all ours Arthur, yesterday I collected some of Don's friends-"

"And dangled them _upside down_!"

"Arthur, they flew your car to Barry's place last night!"

"They did!" Mr. Weasel turned to face the hanging-by-the-ankles teenagers, "How did it go?" he asked eagerly.

"ARTHUR!"

"I mean...Did the invisibility button work?"

"ARTHUR, YOU-"

"No, Molly, I'm just seeing if they - err - were careful...So did it?"

"Invisibility button?"

Mr. Weasel looked put out, while Mrs. Weasel grew more and more angry, she began tapping her feet,

"Arthur, I'm waiting?"

"Oh! Sorry dear for interrupting-"

"That's not what I meant!"

"It wasn't?" Mr. Weasel scratched his bald patch on his head, "Oh! Of course! Children, that was wrong! Very wrong!"

Mrs. Weasel rolled her eyes,

"Good enough," she muttered.

"Uhh...Mrs. Weasel, all the blood has rushed to my head..." Andrew said.

"He does look slightly purple Molly..." Mr. Weasel said looking at Andrew worriedly.

"Don't worry about it Mr. Weasel! Drew is usually the colour of a beetroot!" Lemo said cheerfully, Andrew glared at her,

"I'm not the colour of a beetroot! Anyway...Am wouldn't bother with a beetroot, would you Am?" Andrew said, looking at Andy for back-up.

"Awww, but your such a cute beetroot!"

"Oh god..."

"Molly, perhaps it is a good idea to-"

"Minnie, dear! What would you like for breakfast?"

Minnie walked into the room in her pyjamas,

"Anything!" she spotted the hanging-by-the-ankles teenagers, "What did they do?"

"They flew your father's car to get Barry."

Minnie's eyes grew round when she noticed Barry sitting at the table, and missed her chair when she tried to sit down.

"Shit!" came her voice from under the table; she then bumped her head on the table as she tried to stand up, "Crap!"

She finally managed to stand up - flushing crimson and ran back up the stairs.

"Poise and presentation is a big thing in our family..." Don said trying to reach for the food on the table below.

Eventually Mrs. Weasel let Don, Mione, Andrew, Emo and Lemo down from the roof, but then Mrs. Weasel told them they _all_ had to de-fraz the garden, (all except Barry...)

"Aww! Mum do we have to! Can't we just go back to bed like Barry!" Don complained.

"Obey the great or be condeemed to dish duty!" was all Mrs. Weasel said, before turning on her heel and going upstairs to wake the twins.

"Fuck, you're lucky Barry!" Lemo said shaking her head, "Get to go back to bed...lucky bugger!"

'No, I'm not going to bed! I want to see you de-fraz the garden!" Barry said, he was wide awake and was curious to see what it was.

"What _are_ we doing, when she says we're going to 'De-fraz' the garden?" Andrew asked worried, Mione looked equally confused.

"Oh! You guys have never de-frazed a garden!" Don said looking shocked.

"Uh...hello? Muggle born!" Mione said gesturing to Andrew and herself.

"Would we please stop the chit chat and get on with it!" Andy moaned, leaving the kitchen, Lemo and Andrew in tow.


	7. DeFrazin the Garden & Visits Don's Room

**Chapter seven: De-Frazing the Garden and Puts on sunnies Visit Don's Room**

Frazzes were bratty little shits, they'd kick and scream put up a right fuss - and if you touched one...Well you'd be lucky to have the same amount of fingers as you did before. Armed with their weapon of choice, the group entered the garden.

"So...what are we supposed to do?" Andrew asked unsure still.

"Whack the crap out of 'em!" Andy replied brightly, her five iron raised.

"And, what do they look like?"

"THAT!" Lemo yelled as she sent what looked like an obese black crab flying, "Yea! Thirty feet beat that!"

Mione's face looked shocked,

"Doesn't that hurt them!"

"Nah, they have no what's-a-me-call-it's!" Don said swinging his cricket bat, sending yet another fraz off.

"Nerves?" Emo offered hitting hers with a baseball bat.

"Lemo, what _are_ you hitting them with!" Barry asked.

"A frying pan..."

"A fry pan?"

"They do the job good, don't diss my pan!"

Barry held his hands up in a surrender position,

"Hey, sorry!"

"Yea you better be!" Lemo growled warningly shaking her pan in his general direction. Soon Andrew, Mione and Barry caught on and the air was filled with frazzes. The beaters amongst them really shone, as Andrew and Lemo hit theirs beyond the hill, quite a way away, but Andy who played a muggle sport called 'golf' knew how to use her nine iron. Everyone found it necessary to mock her golf swing,

"Shut up! My swings a lot better than what you lot are doing!" she laughed as Andrew took a wild swing and missed, "And I don't know what the fuck that was supposed to be..."

After some time Don straightened up,

"Well, I think that's pretty much all of 'em!"

There were murmurs of agreement,

"To my room!" Don cried raising his arm in the air, many pairs of eyes rolled.

Don led the way into the house and up the narrow crooked staircase. A door way ahead was ajar everyone got a glimpse of a pair of brown eyes, before there was a gasp and the door snapped shut. Don sighed,

"This is totally out of character for Minnie! I mean usually we have trouble shutting her up! Yesterday, when Drew arrived - God I still feel as though I should be apologising... But god, Barry Saucepan! The dude whose been her celebrity crush since she was like three…"

"What happened with Drew?" Barry asked looking at Andrew.

Before Andrew replied, Don did,

"She was following him around like a bad smell..."

"Yea!" Lemo laughed, "Like shit to a blanket!"

"What?"

"Well...you see shit sticks-"

"Never mind, should have known better," Mione interrupted.

"And...Here it is!" Don said pointing to a shut door, with a plaque saying, "Donald's Room" he pushed the door open, everyone attempted to step in at once. Barry's head brushed along the roof; _Thank god I'm not any_-

"Fuck!" Andy and Andrew both exclaimed.

_Taller..._ Barry thought to himself.

"Ow! Ow! Fuck! Don, you house architect didn't considerate taller people did they?" Andy said doing an odd hunched over dance of pain.

"Am and I'll stand out side..."

Barry looked around the room; the room was covered in a disturbing bright orange. Everywhere. It hurt. The bedspreads, the walls, the ceiling, the posters even, were all the same shade of violent orange - the kind that needs a pair of sunglasses. (Author puts on sunnies to emphasise point) The posters were all of the same seven rather plump witches and wizards.

"The Cubby Canons!" Barry said smiling and looking at the posters.

"Yea..." Don said blushing slightly - or that could be from the orange reflecting...

Barry looked around more closely; a rat caught his eye on top of a fish tank,

"I didn't know you had a rat, Don,"

"Yea, well I do," Don said poking the rat gently with his wand, the rat slept on, "He's a lazy good for nothing! Won't do a bloody thing! That's why I forgot to bring him last year."

"Oh."

"Shhhhh!" Andy hissed from the hallway.

Everyone tried to turn all at once in Don's small room - causing a few problems...Barry was one of the first to turn around properly,

"Andy? Why do you have a cell phone?"

"Drew got it for me! So we could keep in contact when, well, when we weren't together," Andy said happily, as she began to try and talk through the speaker, "Try not to make a noise for the moment, I'm trying to check my balance...You'll have to speak louder lady! That is if you're speaking...Hello!...BITCH!"

Barry raised his eyebrows,

"Did you teach her how to-?"

Andrew mournfully nodded his head.

**Sorry the Chapters aren't very long and aren't particularly interesting! But they'll improve! (I hope) lol If you got any random ideas, then post em! I'd love to hear any ideas you have for the characters! And Lemo The Lemon, have you posted the sneek peek? **

**Anyway, please Read 'n' Review! ) **

**tata pickles!**

**Andy/Ambo/Amba**


	8. Blue Chowder

**Please read and Review! Or if ya want...send me an email:) And thanx I am a Banana for your suggestion and yet another marshmellow! And thanx Lemo the Lemon! (you better not be on be on 'appear offline!' coz I needed you to spell check this!) (Sorry if there's any mistakes, I didn't have a human spell checker at hand...)**

**Chapter eight: Blue Chowder**

The Weasels certainly had a different way of living, compared to the Dursleys Barry began to notice during his stay. Compared to the chaotic and bustling household of the Weasels it made the Dursleys looked even more immaculate, prim, proper and well too be honest..._dull_. But Barry didn't mind one bit to have to adjust, infact he enjoyed his time at the Weasels and was dreading having to go back to the Dursleys next summer. Soon, September was getting closer and closer and Barry realised they had to back to school soon.

"Now, have all of you got your list of books needed?" Mrs. Weasel asked, as they all gathered around their fireplace.

"Yep!" they all chorused.

"Brilliant! Now, who wants to go first?"

"Go first?" Andrew asked confused.

"Yes, dear first. Haven't you travelled by Blue Chowder before?"

"Uhh...No..." Andrew still looking confused.

"Neither," Barry and Mione agreed.

"Oh, bother...Well Gred you go first!"

"Sure! Now...Where are we going mother?"

Mrs. Weasel sighed impatiently,

"Diagon Alley!"

"Oh, yes of course!" The twin stepped forward, took some chowder crap out of a pot and threw it in the fire,

"Diagon Alley!" he cried as he stepped into the fire.

"Holy shit!" Mione said as Gred disappeared.

"Mione! Please, don't use language like that!" Mrs. Weasel scowled.

"Sorry, Mrs. Weasel!"

"It's alright dear, would you like to go next?"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Okay, who's next?"

"Uhh...I'll go," Mione said unsure.

"Brilliant Mione!" Mrs. Weasel, smiled, "Now grab a handfull of the chowder...That's it now...Throw it into the fire, say 'Diagon Alley!' and step forward!"

Mione did as she was told, but as she tried to speak she swallowed a mouthful of chower blew into her mouth and her scarf blew off.

"Hey, Mione you dropped your-" Barry began as Mione stepped into the fireplace, Barry stepped forward a bit and he too was sucked into the fireplace after Mione.

Mrs. Weasel looked back at everyone's shocked faces,

"What did she say?"

"Dragon valley?" Mr. Weasel suggested.

"Oh no," Mrs. Weasel shook her head, "And Barry went with her! That'll make matters worse!"

Everyone exchanged worried glances,

"What are we going to do!"

"Only one thing we can do..." Mrs. Weasel said grimly, "Go to Diagon Alley, and if their not there...well we'll have to track them down..."

"Hey, where did Barry go!" Lemo said suddenly.

"Uhh...Barry, you'r squishing me..." Mione's muffled voice spoke into the ashes in the fireplace.

"Opps, sorry there Mione!" Barry got to his feet, "Where's Gred and Forge?"

"Barry..." Mione's voice trailed off as she rose and looked around, "I don't think we're in Diagon Alley..."

"Well, where are we then?"

Mione pointed to a street sign, it said,

_'Boulevard of Broken Dreams'_


	9. The Boulevard and Blourish & Flotts

**Thanx 4 ur reviews (and Marshmellows...) I am a Banana and Lemo the Lemon!(sorry Lemo, you cant have a Greenday CD...!) )**

**Chapter nine: The Boulevard and Blourish and Flotts**

For quite awhile Barry and Mione just stared at the sign.

"Isn't there a song called-" Mione began.

"Uh huh."

"Is it a joke?"

"Nope," Barry pointed to the sign, in small print it said:

_'This is not a joke'_

"They made it pretty clear..."

"I guess they must get that reaction a lot. I wonder which came first; the song or this place."

"Dunno."

"Barry, please! Would you say something more...conversationalist!"

Barry appeared to snap back to reality,

"Sorry, Mione! Now how are we going to get out of this place?"

The pair looked around, perhaps in hope of seeing a sign reading: _'This way out'_. Unfortunately, there wasn't one, so they decided to just walk ahead. As soon as they stepped forward though, the whole Boulevard seemed to flip upside down and images flashed past them.

"SHIT!" Mione screamed, clinging onto Barry's shoulder, "Barry, we're going to die!"

Too scared to move the pair looked down, and immediately became dizzy, the ground appeared to have slipped from under their feet and now, it seemed as though they were standing on the sky. Barry's head brushed the ground as he moved.

"Please, Barry! Say something!"

"Fuck."

"Wow that was brilliant and wise!" Mione said sarcastically, "If I wanted that kind of answer I would have said it myself!"

Images continued to flash past them.

"What are they...?" Mione muttered, as she watched Barry looking at the images. There were all sorts of horrible images flashing past; sick animals; dying humans; polluted ponds, lakes and seas; and a close up of Michael Jackson's nose.

"Mione, we're going to move...If it doesn't work as planned, then well...It's better to die quickly than to die slowly of hunger..."

"Barry..." Mione whimpered.

"C'mon! One...Two...Three..."

Barry and Mione both took a step, the world tipped back up the right way and they were in an empty street again - on the dusty ground, on their ass.

"Well, that was odd," Barry said brushing Mione's back off as they got up.

"I guess you could call it odd..._I'd_ call it bloody terrifying - but that's just me!"

"Well, I guess we better continue!" Barry stepped forward and Mione followed, together the pair walked down the deserted street. The wind howled in their ears as the occasional tumbleweed blew past them. Perched nearby a vulture preened itself, spotting the bird, Mione let out a small whimper. Suddenly Barry noticed something in the distance, and the something was moving fast towards Mione and him.

"Oh, crap Mione. We got company..." Preparing himself for the worst, Barry stepped in front of Mione shielding her from the approaching something. Then it came into view, Mrs. Weasel and Lemo - not the something he was expecting, but still bloody scary...

"BARRY!" Lemo threw herself at him, knocking him off his feet, "YOU'RE ALIVE!"

Barry laughed,

"No shit Sherlock, go tell Watson!"

Lemo laughed as well - a little more insane than Barry,

"Idiot!" she helped him up.

"Mione! Barry! We were hoping you had gone only one grate too far!" Mrs. Weasel looked relieved; she looked Barry and Mione up and down, "Why are you covered in dirt?"

"Uhh...it kind of flipped up the wrong way and -"

"Okay dear, I'll clean you up! Now Arthur and the others have gone ahead and are meeting us in Blourish and Flotts. So I guess we better get a move on!"

Inside Blourish and Flotts was crowded and noisy as people rushed about and joined the long queue. What the queue was for exactly, Barry had no idea. Mrs. Weasel saw their group halfway down the queue and they hurried to join them.

"It's a book signing Molly!" Mr. Weasel said excitedly.

"Which author Arthur?" Mrs. Weasel asked standing on tip toes to try and get a view.

"Um...I'm not sure..."

"It's Gilderoy Knockharp Mrs. Weasel!" Emo exclaimed, Mrs. Weasel's face flushed happily,  
"Really!"

Emo nodded,

"Yup."

"Oh!" Mrs. Weasel tip toed even more higher and eagerly.

Don rolled his eyes,

"Mum fancies Knockharp..."

Mrs. Weasel blushed,

"I do not!"

Finally the queue shortened enough to get a good view of Gilderoy Knockharp. He sat at a wooden desk, peacock quill raised. His blonde hair was perfect, his clothes were perfect, his smile was perfect and his eyes were the deepest blue you've ever seen. At frequent intervals he would look up and flashed everyone a dazzling smile, you could almost hear the cheesy twink!.

"Why does he have to be so old?" Mione said dreamily.

The rest of the younger females among them moaned in agreement. The males on the other hand exchanged jealous glances.

"He's such an idiot!" Don said.

Andrew looked Knockharp up and down,

"Well he is kind of hot..."

"Drew! I took the whole Falling-in-love-with-McGonagall, but I don't think our relationship can with stand you being gay!"

Andrew's face glowed red as everyone looked at him,

"I was just trying to see it from your point of view..."

"Oh! In that case! You're so sweet!"

The queue continued to shorten and Mrs. Weasel and the girls began to get more excited.

Suddenly, Knockharp looked up to flash yet another smile, when Barry caught his eye,

"Well! Isn't it the less-attractive-than-myself Barry Saucepan!"

Barry looked like a deer caught in head lights as Knockharp insisted he be brought up the queue. Knockharp cleared his throat,

"Everyone! May I have your adoring attention!"

Barry continued to look like a deer as Don looked like he might throw up.

"It appears I have been given the privilege of having the one and only Barry Saucepan as a fan!"


	10. Gilderoy Knockharp FullOfHimselfDick

**Chapter ten: Gilderoy Knockharp - the Total Full-Of-Himself-Dick**

"Barry's a fan now is he? I bet he didn't even know who the guy was until a few moments ago..." Don said what most of their group was thinking.

"Now fans Barry Saucepan, here came to meet his hero today at Blourish and Flotts. Little did he know - he was going to get the complete collection of my fantastic books!"

The crowd applauded as Barry stood there with his mouth open.

"But! That's not all fans! Barry and his fellow Hogwarts students will be inspired by the real dazzling me! Yes, I have accepted the role as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"

This announcement was met with more enthusiastic applauding.

"Oh this is fucking gr-"

"Donald!"

"M-mum! I said-"

"Smile Barry - just not too much, it'll give you wrinkles around the mouth!" Knockharp said as he smiled a half smile, "You and someone as astounding as me are sure to make the front page!"

"I don't really-"

"Smile!"

Barry obediently forced a smile.

Lemo watched Knockharp as he instructed Barry to do certain things for the camera,

"You know, I think Knockharp is living proof why I date the not drop dead gorgeous guys..." she said thoughtfully, "He seems rather...full of himself..."

Minnie glared at Lemo,

"Are you saying Barry isn't hot?"

Lemo looked startled by Minnie's intense reaction,

"What?"

"I always thought Barry was too good for you!" Minnie said, still shooting daggers at Lemo, who still looked confused,

"Huh?"

"Whoa! Hold your ponies there, Minnie! What makes you think you know best?" Mione asked.

"Well, I don't think _Leah _is quite what Barry needs in a girlfriend! Look at him..." Minnie said looking at Barry, Knockharp now had him doing a Charlies Angels back to back, 'guns' raised pose.

"I'm looking and I see nothing that means Lemo doesn't meet his 'needs'" Andy said looking as well.

"Barry's famous! He doesn't need some violent bitch cluttering his space!"

Lemo exploded kaboooooof…

"I'M A VIOLENT BITCH CLUTTERING HIS SPACE NOW AM I!"

"Yes."

"I'll show you violent-"

Mione, Emo and Andy grabbed Lemo as Andrew and Don grabbed Minnie.

"Hey, hey! What's going on kids?" Mr. Weasel asked.

"Under control!" Andrew cried out in pain as Minnie hit him in the groin, "Hope you didn't want children Am!" he yelled as he went cross eyed.

"Okay...as long as it's controlled..."

Eventually Lemo and Minnie calmed enough to let each of them go, and they were lead outside,

"Don't think this is over Roberts..." Minnie glared.

"Oh, I know it won't..."

"Watch your back..."

"Bring it on..."

Don watched Minnie turn on her heel and walk back into Blourish and Flotts to collect her books,

"Wow, this is totally out of character for Minnie!"

"Course it is mate, course it is...Their always different around their family..."

Andy watched Don and Andrew whispering; she then turned and whispered to Mione and Emo,

"What do you think their whispering about? Maybe Andrew is gay! And he's been secretly going out with Don!"

Mione and Emo shook their heads, while Andrew whispered to Don,

"What do you think Andy's whispering about?"

"Probably, Malfoy approaching..."

"Hello, bastards and their bitches!" He greeted them. Andy, Mione, Emo, Don, Andrew and Barry all tried not to laugh as he walked through the door of Blourish and Flotts.

Lemo pushed her hair out of her face,

"Not now asshole."

"Oh and why not?"

"Because if you don't leave I'll eat your spleen..."

Malfoy looked at Lemo with mild interest,

"Really?"

"Yes, really now piss off!" Lemo finally looked up to face Malfoy, "What the fuck died on your face!"

The whole group broke into a wild fit of laughter as Lemo caught sight of the untasteful _patch_ of facial hair on Malfoy's face. Andy looked closer,

"Looks like a weasel..."

Andrew and Barry laughed even harder.

"A weasel _died_ on your face?" Mione asked innocently.

"Must have been a really ugly weasel..." Emo said.

Malfoy looked at them all angrily,

"Hey at least I grow more than a pathetic stubble!"

Barry and Don stopped laughing.

"Well, I'll have you know, I am shaving now! I, unlike you don't want to look like Hitler!" Andrew said fiercely as Don and Barry joined the laughing again.

"I do not look like Hitler!" Malfoy said indignantly.

Andy put a sympathetic hand on Malfoy's shoulder,

"Hey, it's all right! We understand if you can't afford a razor!"

Malfoy shrugged off Andy's hand, and self consciously touched his moustache,

"You're all dumbasses! All of you! Don't you worry! I'll get you back! And your little sister too, Weasel!" He then turned and walked back into the book store.

"Hey...Was it just me or did that sound like-"

"And your little dog too!"

"Yep, I think Malfoy has been taking notes on the wicked witch of the West!"

"And he then turned to the history channel to watch 'The Great All Mighty Hitler!"

"- And His Weasel Facial Hair!"

"- Of Doom!"

"That smelt bad," Lemo finished.

"You smelt his moustache!"

"No..."

**There's another chapter up! Wow, I gotta quiken the pace and send the 'bastards and their bitches' to their doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom soon! ahem I mean School...**


	11. HighJacking a Magic Carpet

**Thanx guys for reviewing and yes I am a total bitch! I haven't up-dated in yonks! Sorry school. Speeches. Need I say more? I'll try to up-date sooner!**

**Chapter eleven: High-Jacking a Magic Carpet**

"She's built like a brick shit house!" Lemo said nodding in the direction of the slutty get-up Pansy Parkinson was wearing.

"A brick shit house?"

"Yes. Square, large and crappy."

"Oh...kay..."

"Children! Quick go through the barrier!" Mrs. Weasel said, as Pansy ran through the barrier.

"Sure thing Mrs. Weasel!" Andy said saluting and dragging Lemo, Mione and Emo through the barrier. Just as Barry was about to follow, Minnie spoke up,

"Mum...have you seen my jumper?"

"Yes, dear it was on the cat."

"Cat?"

"Yes, dear! The one in the car!"

"Mum...There wasn't a cat in the car..."

"Nonsense Donald! You, Andrew and Barry go back to the car and get Minnie's jumper!"

"All three of us?" Andrew asked doubtfully, "Mrs. Weasel does it really take three of us to carry a jumper?"

"What if you get mugged! Boys, I want all three of you to go...Minnie and I will go on ahead..."

Barry, Andrew and Don exchanged looks as Mrs. Weasel and Minnie disapeared into the barrier.

"Don...I don't want to be mean but-"

"My mothers nuts?"

Andrew nodded gratefully.

"Well, we better get a move on. The trains due to leave soon..."

"Jumper?" Don asked, he and the boys strolled briskly towards the barrier.

"Yep," Barry said holding up the fluffy yellow jumper, Andrew sneezed,

"Dude...I think I'm allergic to your-"

The boys all strolled into the barrier, not through, _into_.

"Huh?" Barry said, hitting the brick barrier with his hand, "Shit! It's solid!"

"What the fuck! It's can't be!" Andrew said, also hitting the wall. Don began to knock on the wall, knocking high and low, hoping to find a spot that wasn't solid.

"Fuck!"

Andrew pushed his weight against the wall,

"C'mon barry help me push..."

"Open says me!" Don said, almost poking Barry's eye out as he did an odd arm movement.

"It's open sesame, dumbarse!" Andrew, stopped pushing and also began doing arm movements. Barry watched the pair, him and most of the muggles in their immediate area,

"Uhh...guys? We're being watched..."

Andrew and Don stood bolt upright and stepped away from the wall, instinctively, Andrew ruffled the back of his hair.

"Not that kind of watching, idiot!"

"Oh," Andrew looked slightly put out, "It's like I have 'taken' written across my forehead!"

"That's 'cause you do..." Don teased.

"I do? Fuck!" Andrew rubbed at his head with his hand.

"Focus! Guys! The barrier is blocked and-"

"...And we've just missed our train!" Don finished looking at his watch, "Here goes nothing!"

Andrew and Barry swaped worried glances as Don turned and walked away from the wall,

"Don, what are you going to-"

Don turned again and ran determindly at the barrier.

"Don, you fucker! You'll bloody hurt your-"

Andrew and Barry flinched as they heard the nasty bang of Don hitting the wall, then falling flat on his face.

Lemo, Andy, Emo and Mione walked down the train searching for a compartment, suddenly Minnie appeared behind them,

"Lemo, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Lemo grimaced,

"Sure whatever."

Minnie pulled Lemo away from the others as Mione, Andy and Emo exchanged looks. Minnie glared at them, making them turn and continue walking down the train.

"So...Hi, how are-" Lemo began, trying to make some polite conversation.

"Cut the crap. Are you really serious about Barry?"

"What the fuck? What kind of-"

"Answer the question."

"Yea...I guess...I mean, I dunno...He's a great-"

"Just as I thought you're just leading him on," Minnie folded her arms across her chest.

"Hey, that's not true! I-"

"Whatever...Lets say it this way...If you hurt Barry, I swear, I will fucking kill you," Minnie then turned on her heel and walked off to find a compartment, leaving Lemo gobsmacked.

"He is alive, aye?" Andrew said prodding Don's cheek.

"Yea, I think so, just knocked himself unconcious," Barry said feeling Don's pulse, "He's alive."

Andrew heaved a sigh of relief,

"Well, I guess he has a story to tell the grandkids!"

Barry and Andrew sniggered as they looked around, people were watching them with interest.

"We're filming a hidden camera show!" Andrew called to the crowd, "Reality TV! Tune in to Channel three, in two weeks time, six o'clock Mondays!" The muggles nodded understanding and continued with their business. Barry laughed,

"Shot! Now what we going to do? We can't get through...what if Mrs. Weasel can't get back?"

Andrew stroked his chin,

"Hmmm...We could take the car..."

Barry thought about it,

"Do you know how to drive it?"

"No idea."

"Neither, we're screwed! Fucking screw - Uh oh, what are you thinking?"

"What if - "

"If it involves fire: no."

"Oh. What about - "

"No, we can't buy gun powder."

"Bugger...What about - "

"No, I don't own a huge rubber band."

"Wow, fuck - "

"I have no idea."

"Shit, that's just getting scary..." Andrew looked scared. Barry shook head,

"Andrew, your just so predictable!"  
"Well, how about," Andrew began, waiting for Barry to interupt, only he didn't, "Well, why don't we go see the random Indian guy, with a sign saying, 'Flying Carpets'?"

"Huh?" Barry turned and saw an Indian holding up a sign saying 'Flying Carpets', "Oh sure Andrew, like a muggle is going to have a flying carpet! Besides we don't have any money!"

"It's simple isn't it we borrow one!"

"Borrow? And how the hell are we going to return it?"

"I'm, sure Mione knows a spell!"

"But-"

"You got a better idea?" Barry shook his head, "I didn't think so. Now here's the plan..."

Five minutes later, Andrew stood in the middle of the train station, arms raised,

"BEHOLD! I AM THE GREAT PICKLE OF ROMANIA!" he bellowed, everyone in the train station turned to look at him, including the Indian.

"FEEL MY WRATH! OR I SHALL...EAT YOU! BE AMAZED BY MY BEAUTY!"

Several muggles scoffed,

"OR NOT! BUT THAT DOES NOT ALTER MY GREATNESS! (AND WHOEVER SCOFFED, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND SHE'S BETTER THAN ANY BITCH YOU COULD GET!) COME CLOSER! WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE THE FIRST TO BE SHOWN MY TALENT!" Andrew yelled, unfazed by being the main focus of the public.

"NO TAKERS? WELL I'LL CHOOSE!" He searched the crowd, then pretended to spot the Indian, "GOOD IMMIGRANT SIR! WOULD YOU CARE TO STEP FORWARD?"

The Indian nervously stepped forward and walked towards Andrew. Unnoticed, Barry slipped into the man's stall and grabbed a carpet. The Indian finally managed to push through the crowd to Andrew. Getting the thumbs up from Barry, Andrew spoke,

"ALAKAZAMBOOZLE! FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF! CAPITCHA! ZAM! Now! That's the end of the show! Remember to floss daily and brush twice! Candy is dandy, but fruit makes you poop! Never forget the great pickle! Adios!"

Then Andrew and Barry ran out of the station, to where they had piled their bags and Don, hoping to God the magic carpet really was magic...


	12. Fly You Piece of Shit!

**Chapter twelve: Fly You Piece of Shit!**

"Shit! Lemo, the train is moving and the guys aren't here!" Andy said jumping up and down in her seat.

"Well, what am I going to do? What are _we_ going to do?" Lemo said, jumping up and down too.

"Well guys, they'll be on the train. They probably just can't find our compartment," Mione reasoned.

"Bloody Barry! What's he fucking doing?"

Emo looked up from her magazine,

"Can you two please stop the bouncing? You're kind of moving the whole compartment."

"What! No we're not! How heavy do you think we are?"

"You are kind of moving it..."

Lemo and Andy tried to look upset, still jumping up and down.

"Oh my fucking god!" Andy stood up suddenly on her seat, bumping her head on the ceiling of the compartment, "Jesus Christ mother fucker!" Andy screamed.

"Christians must hate you..." Lemo said.

"Shuddup! I have an idea!" Andy said diving for her backpack and began rummaging around inside.

"You have an idea! Wow, there's always a first...aww and poor Drew missed out on you big moment!"

Andy reappeared from the depths of her backpack, looking rather ruffled, clutching her cell phone.

"Andy, you're brilliant! Give Drew a call!"

Andy grinned,

"See, I'm capable of being intelligent!" She examined her phone then added, "Now, which is the thing I speak into again?"

"Rise! Rise! Rise!" Andrew commanded pulling up the corners of the green carpet.

"Maybe we need to lose some weight off this thing..." Barry said thoughtfully.

"I vote we leave Don in the car!" Andrew reached for the still unconscious Don.

"No," Barry said firmly, "I was thinking more some of the extra crap we have in these trunks..."

"NO! Not my crap! That's _precious_ crap, _useful_ crap. I _need_ that crap!"

Barry rolled his eyes,

"Well, I think that's what holding us down. All the extra weight we have on this thing."

"OR this magic carpet isn't the magic we know, it's just some snot coloured carpet with no magical qualities."

"That mean I was right before then..."

"You don't have to - What the fuck is that?"

"What?"

"Listen..."

"To what exa-"

"Shut up!"

The boys sat frozen, listening to the sound of the Ompa Lompa tune.

"Where is that -" Barry began when Andrew, whipped his cell phone out of his pocket.

"Hello?"

"DREW!" Andy's voice roared out of the ph, Andrew held the phone at arms length, "CAN YOU HEAR ME!"

"Uh, yes I can Am, you don't-"

"YOU CAN? WOW, THESE THINGS ARE NOT AS STUPID AS THEY SEEM! SO...WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!"

"I'm at the train station -"

"STILL! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THERE?"

"The barrier, it wouldn't let us in and -"

"IS MRS. WEASEL THERE?"

"No, we haven't seen her come through yet -"

"DREW! CAN...HEAR...STILL? SORRY...NO...YOU'RE...! UP!" Andy's voice cracked and disappeared, 'Call ended' flashed on Andrew's phone.

"Fuck, the train must be going to the country side now!" Andrew groaned as he put the phone in his bag.

Barry sighed,

"How are we going to get to school?"

Andrew shook his head,

'No idea, Barry. No idea...I guess this really was a piece of muggle crap...Sorry Barry..."

Barry sighed again,

"It's not your fault Andrew, at least you suggested something."

"Hmm..." Andrew played distractedly with the carpet's tassels on the side, until his fingers got caught up in the tassels, "Oh great, and now my fingers get fucking tangled with the fucking crappy carpet!" He tugged at the tassels in hope of freeing his hands, only the carpet made an odd noise as he pulled at the tassels. The sound of a lawn mower.

"Okay, this is one loopy carpet..." Andrew commented as he continued to yank at the tassels, the noise becoming louder and louder until they began to rise from the ground.

"Drew! You're a genius!"

"I am?"

"Yes! Pull harder at the tassels that have your hand stuck in!"

"Why...? Barry, I think you're as loopy as the carpet..."

"No! Drew hasn't you noticed? We're floating!"

"Huh?" Andrew looked around him, they were floating a few inches above the ground, "Would you look at that!"

"Now do it quick, so we rise quicker and the muggles don't notice..."

"Aye, Aye Cap'ain!" Andrew began to pull more vigorously at the tassels.


	13. Sky High Ground Low

**Chapter thirteen: Sky High. Ground Low.**

"He hung up on me!" Andy cried in dismay just losing reception, while talking to Andrew.

"No, you just ran out of _reception_," Mione explained for the hundredth time.

"He hung up on _me_!"

"_Reception!_"

"What's that?"

"It's what the cell phone networks work on...We're probably too far into the country side..."

"Well, they should make more of the _reception_ and then I could talk to Drew!"

"It not that-"

"I wonder if Pigboi missed the train too..." Lemo thought aloud.

Emo, looked up from her transfiguration book,

"Who?"

"Oh, of course! It would be Pigboi's first year!" Andy exclaimed, temporarily distracted from the technicalities of using muggle cell phones.

"First year? Cool, we can tease the little munchkin!" Jub cackled evilly while she waved her wand around, leaving a pink shimmering trail in its path.

"Who isPigboi?" Emo asked again.

"Munchkin?" Mione cast Jub a worried look, "Don't tell me Andy's and Lemo's weird - erm, I mean _unique_ness is ribbing off them onto you! I don't think I could stand _another_ nutter!"

"Who is _Pigboi_?"

"Aww! But you love us!" Lemo and Andy both captured Mione into a reluctant hug.

"_Who is Pigboi_!"

"Lemo's brother!"

"My brother's older than yours!" Jub said, poking her tongue out, "He's an almighty _third_ year!"

"All hail the almighty third year!" Lemo yelled worshiping an imaginary third year.

"ALL BOW DOWN!" Andy said joining Lemo in on worshiping.

"Hey, shouldn't we be worrying about Don, Drew and Barry?"

"He hung up on me!"

"Fucking reception, Andy!" Mione cried impatiently.

* * *

Minnie paced from one side of the train carriage to the other.

"Uhh...Have you seen my sister?"

Minnie turned to see a fellow first year. He had brown hair, which he had attempted to spike up with gel and brown eyes. Minnie tried to look friendly, even with her bad mood,

"Who's your sister?"

"Lemo/Leah, total weirdo, ran off with my lunch money...'bout this high, black -"

"Yea, I know your sister...But how did she get your money? She wasn't at home most of the summer!"

"Summoning charm," the boy muttered.

"Well, I'm Minnie," Minnie held out her hand, "Who are you?"

"Jonny Roberts," he shook her hand.

"Well, let's go find your sister..." Minnie said walking in the general direction Lemo would've walked in after their little chat.

"So, you know my sister?"

"Yep, I definitely do..."

* * *

Slowly Don regained consciousness this maybe because Andrew was tapping his nose, as Barry coaxed Bedfig to nibble on his ear.

"Gerroff!"

"He wakes!" Andrew exclaimed, almost falling off the carpet as Don tried to shove him out of the way, "Whoa! Watch it Don, you'll bloody kill me!"

Don blinked in confusion,

"What the hell?" he looked over the edge of the carpet, "Holy crap! Why are we _flying_!"

"Well..."

"Yes...?"

"Uhh...Don...Isn't that your dad's car?"

"Andrew, what the fuck have you been smoking?"

Andrew pointed and Don turned around and stared in disbelief,

"You're fucking kidding me..."

"What?"

"Dad said he bewitched the car to follow its keys, so that if he lost it in a car park, (which he often does...) he'll find it easily. Only I didn't think it _actually_ worked...Did you guys bring the keys?"

"Uhh...maybe..."

"Why!"

"Dunno..."

Andrew tucked the keys further into his pocket,

"Well, we did have to get the jumper out of the-"

"Where _is_ Minnie's jumper?" Don asked.

The boys looked around as though expecting to see it lying nearby - on a tree top maybe?

"Hey, guys!" Andrew said pointing to the car.

"Yea?" Don looked around hoping to see Andrew had found Minnie's favourite jumper, but nope, he was pointing to the car.

"What?" Barry said eyeing the car.

"There _is_ a cat in the car!"

**There you go Lemo, I put in those thingys...Shit, this story isn't really going anywhere fast, is it? I gotta get it's Ass into Gear...Well tata!**

**Lemo: THERE! I put in the fucking lines!**

**Can I PLEEEEEEEASE go to sleep now! thunk, head its table**


	14. Crunching Numbers and Weird Happenings

**Chapter fourteen: Crunching Numbers and Weird Happenings**

The castle's lights twinkled and shone as the sun set in the horizon. The grounds were already touched by soft dew, with spots marking where Hagrid's large foot prints had been. Andrew, Don, Barry and the car could hear the sound of the students who had already arrived, chattering amongst themselves. Below them first years whispered excitedly as they flew over head, the could hear one boy exclaimed,

"Oh my god! It's a flying booger!"

The boys exchanged looks,

"What the fuck is that kid smoking?" Don said, "I mean the carpet _is_ a horrible green, but..."

Suddenly the car behind them began to splutter and crap out.

"Uh-oh...Don, I think your dad's car ran out of gas..." Barry voiced what they were thinking. They were just about completely over the lake, only a few metres and they would be on the school's grounds,

"Maybe, if we went up behind it and gave it a push-" Andrew began, as Barry and Don both slapped him up the back of the head.

"Andrew, if we gave it a push it would probably go down into the lake!"

"Excuse, Mr. Booger sir...? Will you be joining us to the feast? I want your autograph!" The first year who had called out before was eagerly trying to get the boys attention from the lake edge, as they flew over him. But before they could tell him to piss off, Hagrid voice echoed through the grounds,

"Oi! Rober's! Get your behind ov'r 'ere! Yer goin' to be as mu'h hassle as yer sist'r, aren't yer?"

The boy ran off to join his fellow first years, just as there was a sickening crunch of the car crashing into the Offensive Oak and the magic carpet colliding with the castle's wall.

* * *

Barry looked around, he was in the common room, and Lemo was sitting nearby reading a book. 

'_How did I get here?_' Barry thought to himself.

"Would you stop licking my foot?" Lemo asked.

Barry raised his eyebrows,

"Your foot?"

"Not you, Malfoy..."

"MALFOY!"

"Yes, my new dog."

"You named your dog after Malfoy!" Barry looked rather hurt.

"Yes. He smells bad," Lemo said returning to her book.

Barry raised an eyebrow,

"Lemo...There isn't a dog in here..."

Lemo looked up shocked,

"What on earth are you on about! There are _three_!" Lemo pointed to her feet, where Andrew, Don and a Shetland Sheepdog lay.

"Lemo? Are you stoned? That's Andrew and Don!"

"No..." Lemo shook her head slowly, "That's Chicken and Pickles!"

Just as she said that two people walked in - well they were people to the shoulders, they had dog heads.

"Argh!" Barry yelled in shock.

"Aha! Andrew! Don! Just in time!" Lemo greeted them both by patting their heads.

'W-what! They're not Andrew and Don! They're something that belongs in a freak show!"

Lemo turned around shocked,

"BARRY! Right in front of them! I thought you would be nicer, but no! I'm disgraced! Not everyone is perfect!"

"But they _have dog heads_..."

"So? I have a tail! Whoopty doo basil!"

"What the fuck? No, you don't..."

"Yea, I do..." Lemo said as she pulled something out from the back of her pants, suddenly a huge peacock tail revealed itself...

* * *

"Barry...Barry...Barry...Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry...Barry...Barry...Ba-" Lemo whispered into Barry's ears. 

"Gurg..." Barry spluttered.

"HE SPEAKS! - Well...sort of..."

Barry opened his eyes, everything was extremely blurry but he could tell by how blindly white it was - he was a in the hospital wing.

"What happened?" He murmured.

Lemo tried to put his glasses on him, almost poking him in the eye,

"You and the other two dumbshits flew into the castle! How the fuck did you do that? I mean the castle is bloody HUGE and you flew straight into it!"

"Oh no..." Barry grabbed his glasses off Lemo, she was going to cause him a nasty eye injury otherwise, "How's Drew and Don?"

"They're good considering...Don was first to come through and he's been let out, but Drew's still hasn't woken..."

"Fuck...Is he going to be okay?"

"Madam Pomfrey said he'll be good...But Andy hasn't slept since they found you guys, been by Drew the whole time - you know how she gets..."

Barry nodded, his head aching,

"How long have I been in here?"

"About three days...I swear Andy's found a spell, I mean you can't go without sleep for three days and four nights! Can you?"

"Uh...I-"

There a came knock at the door,

"Lemo...I bought you the feather you wanted!" The first year that had called them a flying booger the night they were flying on the magic carpet walked in.

"Thanks Pigboi, but I don't need it now...He wakes!"

Suddenly Madam Pomfrey's head popped out of her office,

"The boy awake now is he?"

Lemo nodded.

"Well, then! Out! Out! I need to tend to-"

"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HE'S ALIVE!" Andy screamed excitedly from another room.

Lemo smiled,

"Drew's awake..."

* * *

The next morning at breakfast Andrew, Barry, Lemo, Mione, Andy, Don and Emo had their first meal all together; Madam Pomfrey had decided Andrew and Barry were good enough to go.

"Oh no..." Don said as he reached for some French toast and noticed a large red letter heading his way.

"What?" Andrew said through a mouthful of sausage.

"Don's got a howler!" Andy exclaimed cheerfully - she hadn't let go of Andrew since he had left the hospital wing, maybe she was afraid he would come up with another plan to kill himself...

"What's that?"

"You'll see..." Lemo said seriously as the letter dropped on Don's plate and he reached for it with a quivering hand. As soon as he opened it the whole great hall was filled with Mrs. Weasel's furious voice;

"DONALD RONALD WEASEL! HOW DARE YOU _STEAL_ THAT MAN'S MAGIC CARPET! HOW DARE YOU TAKE THE KEYS TO THE CAR! YOUR FATHER MAY LOSE HIS BLOODY JOB THANKS YOU! YOU'RE LUCKY YOU WEREN'T EXPELLED! YOU'RE LUCKY YOU WEREN'T _KILLED_. WHAT MAKE'S IT WORSE, IS YOU ENDANGERED TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS! HOW COULD YOU! DOES FRIENDSHIP AND LIFE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU! I AM ASHAMED THAT A SON OF MINE DID SUCH A THING! HOW COULD YOU! THINK BEFORE YOU FRIGGING ACT!" The letter turned to face Andrew and Barry,

"ANDREW, I'LL BE CONTACTING YOUR PARENTS AND BARRY YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE, IF THE SCHOOL DOESN'T!" The letter then turned to Minnie down the table,

"And Minnie! Your father and I are so proud you made Gryffindor!" The letter went limp and fell into the jug of orange juice.

"Well...What a great start to the morning..." Lemo said, wide eyed.

"That's not fair, Don! You were unconscious most of the time..." Andrew said, also wide eyed.

The group continued to stare at the orange juice jug. Not noticing Snape making his way to the table until he was right behind Andrew and Andy,

"Well, your mother seems lovely, Weasel...And she right too, you are lucky you weren't expelled. If you were in m house you would've...But Minerva took pity on you because you almost killed yourselves. But if you break anymore rules, I'll personally make sure you're expelled...Good day."

"Brilliant morning..." Lemo muttered.

**This story is going sooooooo slowly, sorry! But since it's long weekend I'll be probably writing alot more! ) Please review and I hope you haven't given up on me!**


	15. Hang on

**Chapter fifteen: Hanging out**

Lemo and Andy walked down the corridor looking for Winston, (again).

"Really, Lemo! You should the little bugger a cage!" Andy moaned, holding a tapestry higher.

"I like to give him some space!" Lemo complained, looking behind a portrait.

"Lost something, ladies?"

Andy and Lemo spun around to see Malfoy - moustache free.

"Yea, the dead thing that was on your face..." Andy said quickly.

Malfoy ran his hand over his top lip,

"That cut deep, real deep..."

Lemo rolled her eyes,

"I'm sure it did..."

"It did!" Malfoy said pretending to look hurt, "I was going to tell you I found your vermin..."

"Winston!" Lemo said, her expression changing immediately, "What did you do to him!"  
Nothing...Yet..." Malfoy said with a cruel smile.

"Hand over the weasel, Malfoy and no one gets hurt..." Andy said fiercely.

"No, Rose. That comment before really hurt my feelings...I think I'll treat the vermin to a nice barbeque! I've never tried cooked ferret before!"

"He's not a ferret, he a weasel," Lemo said through gritted teeth.

"Whatever...He has lots meat so who cares?"

Lemo burst into tears,

"Screw you asshole!"

Malfoy whipped out his wand, muttered a spell and suddenly Andy and Lemo were dangling by their ankles from the ceiling,

"Roberts, get a grip...I don't have the little shit. Have fun hanging upside down," Malfoy turned and walked off.

"He is the biggest dickhead I have ever met! And I've met _a lot_ of dickheads in my life time!" Andy yelled wriggling about trying to move her feet.

Lemo heaved a sigh of relief,

"He doesn't have Winston..."

Andy let out an exasperated grunt,

"BUT WE'RE STILL HANGING UPSIDE DOWN!"

"Well, A feeling of deja vu..." Lemo said recalling being in the Weasel's kitchen in a very similar position.

"For you maybe, but remember I didn't get the pleasure of being dangled upside down!"

"Oh well..." Lemo grabbed a newspaper out of her pocket, unfolded it and began to read.

"Lemo, where the hell did you get that?"

"I took it off your beside table..."

"But, that's _mine_!"

"Andy, I know you nicked from Filtch, when he took you to his office this morning because you shaved Mrs. Norris..."

"I don't get it! I mean she'll grow it back!"

"Yes, your right. But you didn't need to paint her blue too though..."

"Blue is a great colour!"

"It doesn't matter what colour you painted-"

"Mrs. Norris is such a bitch though!"

"Yes, I know," Lemo agreed, "But it wasn't smart doing it when Filtch was just round the corner telling Drew to pull his pants up..."

"What was Drew doing with his pants _down_!"

"He was low riding, because he saw Filtch coming and knew it would distract him."

"Oh."

"Now shh, while I read..."

"The bloods rushing to my head!" Andy complained, rubbing her head, "Hey! It's Winston Lemo!"

"Where? Oh! There! Winton! Baby!" Lemo cried happily, "Come to Mummy!"

Winston stood below them, looking up at them with a scared expression.

"Winston! Get help!" said Lemo.

"Yea, that's really going to work..." Andy said sarcastically as Lemo ripped some of her paper and grabbed out a ball point pen, "Lemo, what the hell is that?"

"Muggle magic..." Lemo said as she began writing a message on the newspaper in the pen.

* * *

Andrew, Barry and Don sat with Nick trying to explain the potions homework. Unfortunately they all had their own ideas on how to do it and none of them were right.

"No! You put in the eye newt _after_ it's simmered!"

"What the fuck? No! That'll make it blow up in his face! You have to wait until it turns purple, then you put in half the mandrake roots..."

"Uh...Guys, I'll ask Mione or Emo or Andy or Lemo when they come in..." Nick interrupted their arguing.

"Nick, it's under control, we'll be able to help you!" Andrew assured him, "Don, there isn't _any_ mandrake in this potion!"

"There isn't? I thought we were making a revival potion?"

"Well, we're not."

"Hey, don't worry about it guys! I'll just go do my transfiguration homework..." Nick said turning to go up to the dorm.

"We can help you with that!" Andrew offered.

"_We _can, but you can't Andrew! We know how well you can do transfiguration..." Barry said laughing.

"Guys, isn't that Winston?" Nick said going up to Winston and grabbing the weasel, "There's a note...Barry! Andrew! Andy and Lemo are hanging upside down in the second corridor!"

* * *

"Two hundred and sixty-four bottles of butter beer on the wall! Two hundred and sixty-four! You take one down you pass it around, two hundred and sixty-three bottle of butter-" Lemo and Andy bellowed as Barry, Andrew, Don and Nick ran up to them.

"Guys! Winston found you! See Andy? I told you Winston could do it!"

"How long have you guys been here?" Barry asked, "You weren't in class last period..."

"We started singing our song from one million..." Andy said.

Andrew looked them up and down,

"Who did this to you?"

"Dracola..."

"Of course...Now, how do we get you down?"

"I know!" Nick said, surprising everyone, "My Nan used to _always_ do this to me as a kid, so as soon as I got my spell book I looked up the counter-curse! _Tre__zantê_!"

Andy and Lemo dropped to the ground landing hard on the stone floor.

"Ow...My arse..."

"Thanks Nick!" Lemo said cheerfully, "Now, what did we have last period?"

"Potions."

"YES! We missed out on a crappy subject!" Lemo and Andy cried, as they began walking down the corridor. Together they turned the corner before the rest of them,

"HOLY SHIT!"

Barry, Andrew and Nick ran and ran around the corner Lemo and Andy had just turned.

"Oh my fucking god!" Barry gasped, looking at the bald, blue Mrs. Norris hanging from the light fitting.

"Is she..." Andrew asked in a hushed voice.

Andy tugged on Lemo's t-shirt,

"Uh...Guys, the dead cat is the least of our problems..."


	16. The Chamber of Smells

**Chapter sixteen: The Chamber of Smells**

Lemo gasped.

"Wha-" Barry cut off as he too spotted what was the problem. Written on the wall directly behind Mrs. Norris is large red letters was:

**The Chambers of Smells Has Been Opened.**

**Salazar Slytherin's wish shall come true.**

**Enemies of the hair, beware...**

**heir**

"Shit."

"What _is_ the Chamber of Smells?"

The rest of the group shrugged and continue to stare at the huge letters, until they heard footsteps. Moments later Filtch appeared,

"Well, well! I see I have caught you-" Filtch went pale when he spotted Mrs. Norris, "W-what, what did you do?"

"We-" Andrew began, but Filtch cut across him,

"You killed my cat! You killed my dear Mrs. Norris! I'll kill you! I swear I'll-"

"Argus? What's going on?" Dumbledore came rushing down the corridor, holding a hand full of lemon drops.

Filtch pointed an accusing finger at the group,

"They killed my cat!"

"Now Argus-" Dumbledore spotted the writing on the wall and paled, "Oh dear..."

"DUMBLEDORE I WANT TO SEE SOME PUNISHMENT! THE LITTLE SHITS HAVE KILLED MY CAT!" Filtch demanded.

"Now...Filtch calm down, Mrs. Norris is merely - Why is the floor covered in water?" Dumbledore held up his soaking wet hem on his robe.

"Uhh...Professor..." Lemo spoke up timidly, "Groaning Gina flooded her toilets again, I - uhh someone accidentally upset her earlier..."

Dumbledore threw Lemo a brief look of amusement,

"And how did _someone_ offend her? Accidentally of course..."

Lemo shifted nervously from one foot to another,

"She asked if ghosts could lose weight..."

Dumbledore let out a little chuckle,

"Well-"

"PUNISHMENT!" Filtch roared.

"Now, Filtch take Mrs. Norris up to the hospital wing. She is only petrified."

"SHE DID IT!" Filtch pointed at Andy, "SHE DID IT! SHE'S THE ONE WHO TURNED MRS. NORRIS BLUE AND SHAVED HER FUR OFF! SHE WAS ANGRY BECAUSE I TOOK POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! SO SHE CAN BACK AND-" Filtch choked out a sob.

Andy's mouth dropped open,

"Sir!" She spluttered, "I wouldn't! I've been hanging upside down in the other corridor!"

"AND SHE STOLE MY BLOODY NEWSPAPER!"

Lemo tucked the newspaper further under her arm.

"Now Filtch," Dumbledore reasoned, "Don't worry, Mrs. Norris will be alright! Take her up to the hospital wing...Now children come with me to my office..."

Filtch was still shaking as her untied Mrs. Norris from the light fitting, as Dumbledore led the group to his office.

Hiding around the corner in the girl's bathroom, the real culprit scrubbed desperately at the red paint on her robes...

**Another chapter! mwahahahaha Review plse! )**


	17. Dumble Explain Mione Think Minnie Sleep

**Chapter seventeen: Dumble Explains, Mione Thinks, Minnie Sleeps**

Professor Dumbledore stashed his lemon drops away as he invited the group to sit,

"Sir, we didn't-"

Dumbledore nodded understandingly,

"I think that you children were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time."

They all heaved a sigh of relief,

"But," Dumble continued, "I don't think you're completely innocent...Miss. Rose, you took Argus's newspaper? And err..._altered_ Mrs. Norris's appearance?"

"Yes, sir."

"And Filtch took points from Gryffindor for the accident with Mrs. Norris?"

"Yes, sir."

"But not for the newspaper?"

"No, sir."

Dumbledore shook his head solemly, "Miss. Roberts, you offended our dear Gina?"

"Yes sir, but is wasn't on purpose!"

"Well, I understand. But someone has to clean up the water in the corridor - especially since our caretaker is distracted. So Miss. Rose will assist you in the moping...You may all go, but try to keep your noses clean - Argus shall be watching."

They all nodded obediantly and they rose and walked towards the door, when Barry stopped,

"Professor, what is the Chamber of Smells?"

Dumbledore shook his head,

"According to legend, Salazar Slytherin had a fall out with the other founders. In his opinion Hogwarts should only be open to pure bloods, so he supposedly built his own chamber under the school. They say the chamber was guarded by the most dangerous of beasts and can only be controlled by a true heir of Salazar. Of course the school has been searched a number of times for such a chamber, but one hasn't been found. So we have to really wonder if it was just a legend passed down for centuries..." Dumbledore glanced down longingly at his drawer with his lemon drops.

"Why was it called the Chamber of _Smells_ though?" Lemo asked, wrinkling her nose as though she knew why.

"Well, the chamber was originally called the Chamber of Secrets. But then it was renamed, because if such a chamber existed and been shut for long time it would ultimately be terribly tuffy and smelly. Add a huge beast that will be leaving droppings everywhere - you're going to have one stinky chamber...Now children enough questions tonight, go off to dinner..."

* * *

Mione and Emo's eyes grew rounder and rounder as they told them the whole story of what happened,

"So, there's a hufe thing the Chamber of Smells has opened?" Emo asked, the rest nodded, "And Dumbledore thinks there isn't a chamber, 'cause they can't find it?" They nodded again, "Wow."

(More nodding)

Emo and Mione exchanged shocked expressions, trying to take it all in. Andy got up,

"Well, I'm off to bed!"

"What!" Mione exclaimed, "Andy, we have to figure out who the heir is!"

"We do?"

"Yes!"

"Well...I thought it was obvious who the heir is..." Andy said shrugging.

"W-Who?" Lemo asked curiously.

"Malfoy!"

"Malfoy?" Mione looked sceptical.

Lemo shivered, "Heaven forbid!"

"Why?" Barry asked attempting to plait her hair only making a knotted mess, (Better than usual though...).

Lemo not to flinch as Barry pulled her hair a little to hard,

"If it _is_ Malfoy, then what the hell can we do!"

Everyone looked around blankly.

"He wouldn't talk to us!" Don moaned.

"There is a way..." Mione said thoughtfully.

"There is?"

"Chinese torture!" Andy exclaimed excitedly, "You know, tie him up, don't give him anything to drink and have water dropping on his head!" Lemo joined in on her evil cackling.

"Uh...Not what I was thinking...Because Malfoy would talk to _certain people_, people who aren't _us_..." Mione said slyly.

"Huh? Stop fucking talking in fucking cryptic!" Lemo said loudly.

"Well, there are way to be other people so Malfoy will talk to us..." Mione continued.

"Are you suggesting we have a sex change!" Andrew exclaimed wide eyed and worried.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Don yelled when Barry interrupted,

"Uhh, guys I don't think that's what Mione was trying to say...It wasn't aye?" Barry asked unsure.

"NO! NO! NO! You can't take-" Andrew continued to squawk.

Their just tentacles..." Lemo reasoned, while the boys open and shut their mouths in shock.

"_Testicles_, Lemo!" Andy quipped.

"Just, just..."

Mione sighed impatiently,

"Merlin's shit! Look at the time guys? AND I haven't managed to say what I was really meaning..."

"Well, get on with it then..." Andrew said putting an arm around Andy and covering his groin with a nearby book, as though he was afraid Mione might suddenly attack him.

"..The thought of Snape with an afro is extremely amusing…" Lemo mused.

Mione sighed,

"_Why do I **bother**_!"

"'Cause you wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv us!"

"Course I do" Mione muttered darkly, "Anyway! We could use a Polyscotch Potion. The potion recipe and ingredients can be found in a book in the restricted section. Can change you into another person. Takes about four days to make. I'm off to bed. Have fun." Mione then turned and headed up to her dorm, leaving everyone else in stunned silence.

"Poly-what?"

* * *

Jonny wandered mindlessly from corridor to corridor, he couldn't sleep, his good friend Minnie had been very distracted lately and she really seemed to _hate_ Lemo...He also noticed Minnie absent from dinner, he thought it was his responsibility as a friend to find her. Eventually after searching nearly every corridor he found Minnie asleep in the library, her head resting on a huge book,

"Uh oh...What was she reading at this hour?" Jonny carefully moved Minnie's and read the title, '_Concucting Love Potions and Other Crap_', "Why the hell is she reading this shit?" Jonny thought aloud.

"Why do you think dumbarse?" Minnie said, her face hidden by her hair.

"But who for?"

"Barry," Minnie lifted her head, she had huge circles under her eyes.

"Wow, Minnie you look like crap..."

"Thanks," Minnie snapped.

"Sorry..." Jonny raised his hands up in surrender.

"No, I'm the one that should be sorry...I shouldn't have snapped..." Minnie dropped her head again.

"Minnie, you got to go to bed...We've got lessons tomorrow and there's a rumor going around saying that we have flying lessons soon..."

Minnie moaned, "Do I have to move?"

"Uh...That would make sense..."

"Well, you hold the book and I'll follow..." Minnie said giving Jonny the book as she buried her head once more. Jonny glanced at the title,

"Did you say Barry, before?"

Mione nodded.

"But, _why_?"

"Because Jonny, I love him."

"Your in love with my sister's boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"And that's Barry, right?"

"Yes."

"Whoa, well what are you going to do?"

"I'm not sure, she has him wrapped around her pinky..."

"Well, maybe you should try and get over him!"

"Jonny, Jonny..." Minnie rolled her eyes, "What Barry and I have is true love!"

"No, I'd call it, tiggy."

"Tiggy?"

"You chase after him, he runs..."

Minnie rolled her eyes,

"Oh, you poor male! No idea of the real world!"

"Huh? What's that supposed to mean? Anyway...I think you should get over him-"

"I can't-"

"OR do something about it..."

Minnie's eyes lit up,

"Of course!" she gave grabbed Jonny into a hug, "You're right Jonny!" She then turned and ran out of the library.

"Well, _now_ she's awake! Bloody hell! Where's my 'Thanks Jonny, your a star!' or 'You woke me up, your a lifesaver!' No all I get is some love life cra-"

"Who's there!" Madam Mince barked from her room near the library.

"No one!" Jonny yelled back before he dashed out of the library.

**There ya guys go, sorry 'bout the delay AGAIN Curses about evilness of school work...**


	18. The First Attack

**Hey! Hey! I just been looking at the statsey poo and guess what Ambo is seeing! Some people aren't reviewing! O Their reading _and not reviewing_! C'mon guys review I don't bite! - much...hehehe )**

**Chapter eighteen: The First Attack**

The next morning while everyone was in their first period classes, Andy's mournful voice echoed through out the castle,

"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,  
Trash it, change it, melt- upgrade it,  
Charge it, point it, zoom it, press it,  
Snap it, work it, quick- erase it,  
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,  
Load it, check it, quick- rewrite it,  
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,  
Drag and drop it, zip- unzip it!" she sang with not a lot of enthusiasm, many teachers had charmed their doors to block her out, as she sang and cleaned the floor. The teachers had been given strict instructions from Dumbledore not to distract her and Lemo. Since he knew that as soon as someone did, they would completely forget about what they were doing.

"Andy, do you think we're almost done?" Lemo asked Andy who was sitting in about an inch of water still singing mournfully, Lemo sighed, she knew there was no point in ignoring it anymore, "What's up Andy?"

Andy stopped singing immediately and looked glumly up at Lemo,

"Drew's pissed at me."

Lemo looked surprised; she thought Drew and Andy were always happy,

"Why?"

"He says 'I treat him more like a brother than a boyfriend'. What the fuck does that mean!"

Lemo looked as bewildered as Andy,

"No idea...Have you been ignoring him?"

Andy shook her head.

"When was the last time you guys went on a date?"

"A date?"

"Yea, you know you go somewhere together and go have fun..." Lemo said as she sat down in the water beside Andy.

"I know what it _means_...But I just haven't been on one in a while..."

"Maybe that's what he means then...Maybe he thought it should be you who chooses the next date and you didn't. So I don't know...Maybe he thinks since you guys don't go and have fun _alone_ then it's just like having a sister..."

Andy stared at Lemo in disbelief,

"I have no idea what just happened...but you just made perfect sense!"

"I do, do that sometimes!" Lemo cried in her own defense.

"Yea, well it doesn't-" Andy began when suddenly a petrifying scream echoed through the castle, "What the fuck is that!"

Lemo swapped an alarmed look with Andy before they both jumped up and ran in the direction of the scream that didn't sound far off...

* * *

Skidding to a halt Lemo and Andy looked around furiously, when they spotted the person who had screamed.

"HOLY SHIT HE'S DEAD!" Andy yelled as Lemo bent down to fell the boys pulse, he was a fellow second year.

"No, he's not, he's petrified..."

"Oh thank fucking god..." Andy sighed a sigh of relief, "It'd be a waste for a hot guy, such as him, to die! And he's a great Quidditch player..."

Lemo looked up from the body,

"Quidditch player? You know him?"

"So, do you he's the keeper on the Hufflepuff team - Louie Montgonary..." Andy said bending down to check the pulse for herself.

"Oh, that's why I didn't know him! I don't notice the keepers..."

"I'm a keeper!" Andy cried indignantly.

"Hey, I thought you guys were-" Lemo and Andy spun around and saw Barry stood there, his face suddenly paled, "Guys, what happened to Lou!"

"**See**! _He_ notices the keepers!" Andy said.

"He's passed out or something...Sounded as though someone had-" Lemo began.

"Hey, what are you doin' out of class?" Andy asked Barry suspiciously.

"Bathroom. Someone had, what Lemo?"

"Well, _Louie_ here screamed before he went down...Rather femininely I might add..."

"You surely don't think that-" Barry broke off.

"Well, well. What happened here?"

**!LEMON ADDS BREAK!**

* * *

"So, you didn't see anything?" Dumbledore asked once more.

The three of them shook their heads. This was the second time in less than a week - forty-eight hours even that they were in Dumbledore's office...

"Nothing? Nothing at all?"

They shook their heads again.

"Andy and I heard a scream, Professor, so we hurried to go see what had happened. A short while after Barry showed up in a search of a laboratory..."

"Laboratory!" Dumbledore's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"_Lavatory..._" Andy muttered, Dumbledore relaxed once more and chuckled in spite of the situation,

"Lemon drop?" he said offering them all a Lemon Drop.

"A Lemon _what_?" Lemo asked looking at him as though he'd said he was going to run off with Snape.

"Don't worry...Now you lot, what _are_ we going to do with you! I may as well give you three a key to my office, if these two days are anything to go by the rest of the term..."

The three shifted nervously in their seats, Dumbledore continued,

"And I _told_ you Argus would be watching you...He seemed rather excited when he brought you to my office today..."

"Professor?"

"Yes, Miss. Rose?"

"Does this have anything to do with the Chamber of Smells?"

"No, I shouldn't think so..."

"What was wrong with Louie, then?" Lemo asked.

"He was petrified, like our dear Mrs. Norris."

"But, what would do that? What would petrify them?" Barry asked.

Dumbledore shook his head,

"I'm not sure...But it usually takes dark magic to petrify them into a state in which they are. And I have to wonder if three second years would be capable of such magic..."

"Louie...He will be okay, aye?"

"Yes, don't worry he will be fine."

"Okay, that's good..." Andy said nodding.

"Professor? You know we didn't do anything, right?"

Dumbledore looked Barry in the eye,

"Yes Barry, but if you keep getting in the wrong place at the wrong time...well, I'd have to suspend you..."

Barry nodded grimly.

**!MORE BREAKS COURTESY OF LEMON!**

* * *

"What the _hell_ is Barry doing!" Don asked the tempered Drew. Barry had set off for the bathroom fifteen minutes ago.

"Maybe he fell in," Drew said through gritted teeth.

"No, I don't think so...Would've heard him yell..."

"We wouldn't hear a thing because of the silencing charm on the door, to block out Amber."

"Amber?"

"Yes. Amber," Drew pressed down on his quill harder, causing the tip to snap, "Oh fucking happy days!"

"What is your problem today, anyway Drew?" Don asked, passing him another one of his spare quills, hoping it would have the same fate as the four previous quills.

"Amber."

"That is Andy aye?"

"Yes."

"What did she do?"

"Everything."

"More pacifically..."

"It's like I'm her bloody brother! We haven't actually gone on an actual date in ages. I'll go to kiss her these days it'll be 'hang on...' or 'I'm busy!' It's like she doesn't like me anymore! I know it supposed to be the chick that gets like this, but it would be nice for us to _do_ something!" Andrew jabbed at the paper with Don's quill; Don flinched as the quill bent but surprisingly didn't snap.

"Well, have you tried talking to her?"

"Nah, talking is for chicks...She should know anyway..."

"I don't think she does..."

"Well she should!" He said furiously pointing the quill dangerously in Don's direction.

"Andrew, calm down!" Don said, gently redirecting the quill away from his face and looked at his watch, "Drew...Maybe Barry did fall in...Twenty minutes now..."

"May he rest in peace..." Andrew continued to take his anger out on the quill, just as that one too, snapped, "FUCK! You have anymore Don?"

"Nope...sorry..." Don shook his head, pushing his extra quills

deeper into his bag.

**LEMON: There more fixes. continues to sleep**


	19. Drew Can't Sleep

**Wow! ANOTHER Chapter! I'm on fire!**

**Chapter nineteen: Drew Can't Sleep**

Barry lay in bed that night, he could hear the steady snores of Don and the heavy breathing of all the other guys in his dorm. Something made Barry think that he wasn't the only one lying awake thinking though...Every so often he swore he could hear Andrew sigh and turn over, he had no idea what his problem was. Barry had enough problems of his own, he was sure that it was that the Chamber of Secrets defiantly involved, who was the heir? And who were they targeting? If Andy was right then, they'd have to talk to Malfoy, using the Polyscotch Potion. Only Mione said it was in the restriction section...Andrew sighed once more and rolled over so furiously he fell off.

"Drew? What's up?"

Andrew jumped a mile,

"I thought I was the only one awake..."

"Well, your not so spill."

"It's nothing. What are you doing awake at this hour?" Andrew tried to force a smile, only it looked more like grimace. Barry knew Andrew wasn't going to say anymore without putting up a fight,

"Is it Knockharp?" Knockharp being their new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, was a nightmare. He referred to himself as stunning, amazing, incredible, alluring and impressive - which he really was none of. Every second sentence involved him or something he's done _and_ he seemed to know ziltch about the Dark Arts. Infact he seemed totally clueless, what's more Andrew decided to tell him this today and sent out of the room for, 'Disorderly behavour', even though he said what everyone was thinking. Andrew does that, says what he thinks - that's why Andy and him have been together so long...Before Andrew could answer Barry's first question, Barry asked another one,

"It's Andy isn't it?"

Andrew nodded grimly.

"Why? What happened?"

"Well...I think we had our first fight..."

"What? When?"

"When you guys came back from Dumbledore's office. She said 'She didn't want us to break up and that she would give me more attention' and other stuff I can't remember...Then for some reason, I just blew my top. All the anger I felt towards Knockharp, the heir and I just took out on her...I went nuts!" Andrew shoved his face into his pillow, "I think I just broke up with her Barry..."


	20. Andrew 4 Andy?

**Chapter twenty: Andrew 4 Andy?**

Barry just sat there, wide eyed and shocked,

"You broke up this Andy!"

"I think so..." Came Andrew's voice from inside the pillow.

"Huh?"

"I didn't do it on purpose..."

"Drew! How can you _accidently_ break up with someone!"

"I don't know how I did it, but I said a lot of stuff and then she said, 'Well, I'm _sorry_ I'm holding you down! I let you be Andrew Watson!' and then she stormed off. Barry I really think it's over..."

Barry looked worried, Drew and Andy were the stable couple of the group, they always were together and they seemed so...happy. If they broke up it'd cause problems, what if Lemo saw this whole thing as his fault? Because he was Andrew's friend? He really didn't want to break up with Lemo...

"What am going to do mate? She drives me bonkers sometimes she treats me like her brother, but I think I'm going to miss that..." Andrew groaned miserably, still not moving his head from the pillow.

_I wonder how Andy feels about this break up..._ Barry thought to himself, he look at his watch - almost having to put it to his nose to be able to see it with out his glasses, ten past midnight. Andy and Lemo will still be awake, knowing them,

"Be right back Drew."

Andrew just grunted in reply.

* * *

Coming out of the doorway to the boys dorms Barry looked around the deserted common room. _They must have gone to their dorms..._ Barry went to climb the stairs to the girls dorms, unfortunately the stair changed to an extremely slippery slide and he slid down again, a little voice at the bottom said,

"Shame mother fucker!"

Barry looked around for the person who had said that, only there was no one.

"Who said that?" Barry squinted around in the mid-darkness, (yes he had put his glasses on...)

"Talking to yourself are we?" Barry looked up the stairs in front of him, from on the floor Andy looked way too tall.

"Morning" Barry said rising to his feet.

"Mornin'"

Taking a closer look at Andy, Barry could see she hadn't slept, but he knew she was to stubborn to go see Andrew. maybe it was for the best...

"So, why were you trying to climb the stairs anyway?"

"I was coming to find you."

"Why?" Andy looked at him suspiously - either that or she had something in her eye...

"Drew, told me about your little tiff..."

Andy visibly stiffened.

"You're not really mad at him are you?"

Andy sighed,

"No, no I'm not, but he's mad at me."

"No he's not, at the moment he's kicking himself."

"He is?"

"Yep."

The pair stood there akwardly.

"You could go see him," Barry suggested hopefully.

"Nope, he dumped me. _He_ comes to me," Andy said firmly, "And you tell him that, I'm going to bed. Night Barry."

* * *

Barry stood there watching Andy dash back upstairs, oping he didn't make the situation worse...

"Drew...? You still awake?"

Barry heard a half-hearteded grunt, he was awake,

"I want to sort out this heir thing, find out if it really is Malfoy. You want to come?"

"And how are we going to do that?" Andrew said doubtfully, he hadn't moved his face out of the pillow since Barry left.

"We're going to the restricted section to find the potion we need."

"Oh, okay..." Andrew pulled himself upright and put on one sock, "I'm ready lets go..."

Barry looked at Andrew he was wearing boxers and a sock,

"Are you going to put on a shirt?"

"Why?"

Barry shrugged,

"If you catch a cold I don't give a crap..."

"Whatever..."

Together Barry and Andrew walked down the stairs and into the common room, on the couch, Andy lay asleep,

"I thought she went back to bed..." Barry said. Andrew walked over to her and put some blankets from her and pulled the book away from her.

"What's that Drew? If it's her diary you better not read-"

"It's not," Andrew answered looking through the book.

"What is it then?" Barry asked, he too looked. It was a book filled with letters, all by the looks of things from Andrew, written out text messages in inks that changed colors, moving pictures of Andrew and her. It was a book on their relationship. On the last page it said:

'_Is this the last page?_'.

Andrew's grabbed out his last unbroken quill and tried his best to write tidily - careful not to ruin the book,

'_I hope not..._'


	21. Mione's Discovery

**Chapter twenty-one: Mione's Discovery**

Mione woke up with a start, she wasn't sure what had woken her, but she realised it was late.The girls dorm was empty and silent, she must have slept late. Last night her and Lemo had been up late talking Andy trying to stop from being angry so she could sleep, but halfway through Lemo fell asleep leaving Mione to do the rest. By time Mione had finished calming Andy down, Andy was more upset rather than pissed, and it was well past midnight. Mione looked at her watch,

"Holy shit! I'm so late for class!" The time was one o'clock, "I've _missed_ classes!"

Mione was about to jump out of bed and get changed when she noticed a note on her bedside table. Written in Andy's hand writing it said:

_'Don't worry Mione, I didn't want to wake since you helped me out last night. So I decided to tell all the teachers that someone drugger you up with a sleeping draught and your sleeping it off. And since it's a sleeping **draught**__you'd still be to dreary to do any work today! So sleep until your heart's content, see it as a way of thanks from me! Thanks to you Andrew and I are back together and it's great! _

_Well catch you later!_

_Andy.'_

Moine shook her head, Andy didn't seem to understand the concept that Mione _liked_ school and it would have been a lot better if she had woken her. But then again, she did sleep till one so she wouldn't have been able to focus today anyway...So it was a blessing in disguise. Mione quickly dressed and showered and grabbed a quick lunch before heading off to the library. The other day she had convinced Knockharp to give her permission for the book she needed - the one with the Polyscotch, which meant they could take on the appearance of Slytherins and talk to Malfoy. She needed Knockharps permission because the book was in the restriction section, but since he didn't look at the title he signed it immediately. It was lucky really, that he didn't read the title...after all who would let a second year read a book titled 'Barely Legal Curses, Hexes and Other Terrible Things'? Apparently Knockharp. Mione knew exactly where the book was placed and walked dirrectly for it's shelf - only it wasn't there...

"Madam Mince?"

The beefy woman frog marched over to Mione,

"Yes, Miss. Ranger?"

"Is 'Barely Legal Curses, Hexes and Other Terrible Things' unavalible?"

Madam Mince looked at Mione suspiously,

"And what would you be needing _that_ book for?"

Mione shrugged and tried to look casual,

"Professor Knockharp suggested I take I look at it..." Mione held up her permission slip with Knockharps curvey signature.

Madam Mince's face didn't change at all and muttered darkly,

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me at all..." She began looking in the place where Mione thought she had seen the book, still muttering to herself, "Stupid git...Wouldn't know if his ass was on fire...Shouldn't be teaching...Belongs in a St Mangos...I'm sorry Miss. Ranger it seems to not be here, which is odd because I most certainly didn't issue it out to anyone."

"Oh, that's okay..." Mione said trying not to look put out, now how were they going to get Malfoy to talk? Mione sat glumly on the floor.

"I'm sorry dear," Madam Mince said before walking quickly away to go tell some people off for bewitching pass-bys underwear.

Mione leaned against looked around her usually second favourite place moodily.

"Ow, Jesus crist!" Mione whispered loudly, as she bumped her head on a book jutting out too far. Mione pulled it out of it spot in the shelf, being more heavy than it appeared Mione dropped the book on her lap, it falling open on a page somewhere near the middle.

"Fucking hell! This is not my fucking morning!" she moaned, "_and_ the book's been put in the wrong pla-hello! My morning it about to change!" At the top of the page it said:

_'Hogwarts: The Chamber of Secrets, The Lost Chamber or The Chamber of Smells'_

Mione grinned to herself and read the title on the cover, 'Myths and Other Bullshit.'

"Well, well...Guess all wasn't lost..."

* * *

After hours of readin through the chapter on the Chamber of Smells, Mione had learned _lots_. The last time the chamber had been opened, muggle-borns and half-bloods were targeted, resulting in the end to a muggle-born dying in a ladies bathroom. They expelled the suspect (a third year) after the muggle-born died and the attacks stopped. They hadn't learned what the beast was that had killed her, but they knew only a true heir could control the monster. Mione looked at the dates closely,

"Wait a second..." she murmored, "If the suspect had been expelled then..." Mione jumped up and grabbed the school records that weren't overly confident - nor cared for.

She began flicking through them, until she found what she was looking for, the children expelled in third year - there was only one and it wasn't hard...'Hagrid' was the only one.

"No...Not the _groundsmen_!" Mione whispered to herself, she turned around to look at Hagrid sitting reading a picture book, 'Green Pumpkin Pasties and Ham', "Here goes nothing..." Armed with the school records and 'Myths and Other Bullshit' Mione walked over to Hagrid and sat next to him. She noticed now that she was beside him, that he wasn't really reading the book, it was upside down and his eyes had glazed over.

"Err...Hagrid, sir?"

Hagrid jolted back to reality,

"Herm, yea?" he asked, still looking preoccupied.

"Excuse me sir...I was wondering if you could tell me what you know about the Chamber of Smells?"

"The Chamb'r?"

"Yes."

"I don' kno' nuttin 'bout tha' chamb'r..."

"You sure? Because according to these...You do."

Hagrid paled,

"Don' kno' wha' yer talkin' 'bou..." he began to sweat nervously.

"Oh, I think you do."

"Oka', oka' I'll tell thee truth," Hagrid's voice dropped to a hoarse whisper, "I wa' expell'd from tha' schoo' for supposedly opening the chamb'r. But I swea' I didn't. Bubbles didn't hur' nuttin!"

"Bubbles? Is that the monster?"

"Nah, he didn't leave his bo'. It wuz summat else..."

"Really! Do you know anything else what did it?"

"Nah, haff no ide'."

"Oh okay, if you do remember anything can you owl me?"

Hagrid suddenly went even more pale and didn't seem to have heard Mione.

"Hagrid?" Mione said waving her hands in front of his face.

"Yer? Miss. er..."

"Ranger."

"Miss. Ranger, I won' be 'ere..."

Mione looked and finally spotted a rather plump man making his way over to Hagrid.

"Well-"

"Jus' listen, to me. Follo' the spide's they'll tell yer..."

"The spiders?"

"Mr. Hagrid, I bet you've expecting us...If you come quietly it'll be less embarressing." The man said.

Hagrid mubled something before following the man, leaving Mione stunned. Quickly she grabbbed her paper she ahd made notes on and wrote in bold, neat letters:

_"Follow the spiders"_

_Advised by Hagrid - Groundkeeper_

She then ran out of the library, hoping to find the others as the came out of the last period class...


	22. Follow the Fucking Spiders

**Chapter twenty-two: Follow the Fucking Spiders**

None of them _actually_ working, Barry, Lemo, Andrew, Andy, Emo, Nick and Don sat in last period Charms talking about the Chamber of Smells and the attacks,

"Drew and I got the book last night..." Barry said in a hushed voice.

"Book? What book?" Lemo asked trying to ruffle Barry's hair with her elbow.

"The book, the one that has the Polyscotch Potion in...The one that can get us to talk to Malfoy?" Andrew explained.

"Oh! _That_ book..." Lemo nodded, understanding.

Everyone was still in a bad mood, Quidditch had been cancelled because of the attacks. Every team had lost at least one member. Seamus Finnegan got petrified near the swinging double doors to one of the corridors, Cescille Purarararara got petrified with her make up mirror in her hand and of course Louie. What wasn't surprising was that no Slytherins had been petrified,

"It's got to be Malfoy..." Andy said simply. There were murmors of agreement.

"Children?" Professor Flitwick squeaked from beside Andrew, causing all of them to jump and wave their wands about as though they were working, "I have some unfortunate news for you. Miss. Ranger has been petrified. She has been taken up to the hospital wing and been put with all the other victims. Also she had this paper in her hand, so keep it in safe incase it's important..." Flitwick stood on tiptoes to place the paper on the table in the middle of the stunned silence, he then turned back and walked back to his desk shaking his head.

"Oh no...Poor Mione!" Don cried.

"These attacks are just getting way out of hand!" Emo said sounding fustrated.

"AND the heir keeps leaving pointless fucking messages!" Andrew added, "Have you guys seen the latest one?" They shook their heads, "It says: 'I like toast' I mean why the fuck do we-" Lemo and Andy began craking up.

"Yea! Go toast!" Lemo cried.

"Guys..." Barry said interrupting Lemo and Andy as they began to sing an odd song about toast, "You might want to read this..."

Everyone turned to read the Mione's paper,

_"Follow the spiders"_

_Advised by Hagrid - Groundkeeper_

Andrew was one of the first to finish reading,

"Well guys guess we have a job to night..." Everyone's eyes caught sight of a long line of spiders heading towards the Charms window.

* * *

After a lot of consistant nagging, Andrew and Barry relised they couldn't convince the rest of the group to go with them to follow the spiders. Before they left under Barry's invisibility cloak, Don shakily gave them a can of fly spray.

"Uh..._Thanks_ Don..." Andrew had said, giving the fly spray to Barry, "Quick, lets leave before they give us a fly swat..."

Now they were in the Forbidden Forest, still following a family of spiders in silence.

"So, you and Andy are cool again?" Barry asked, just making sure as Andrew kept his eyes on the ground in front of him.

"Yep."

_Damn Andrew and his lack of words!_ Barry though angrily, he couldn't stand the silence that was usually filled in with Andy's and Lemo's crappy singing.

"So, you staying at Hogwarts for Christmas?"

Andrew grunted in reply,

"I dunno. My folks want me back now...Am's parents went to have a coffee with them and told them all about the Chamber of Smells and Mum just totally paniced - you know with me being muggle-born and everything..."

Barry's blood froze, of course...Andrew was a muggle-born, he could be petrified tomorrow for all Barry knew. And Emo was half blood...Andy, Lemo and Don were pure bloods, but would even that protect them? What if the heir decided they didn't really care who they petrified? Then they were all screwed...

"HOLY SHIT!"

Andrew's suddenly high pitched voice broke the silence of the forbidden forest, Barry looked up and saw why, he looked up to see the ugliest, mosthugeous (yes, I know that is not a word...)spider,

"Fuck on toast..."

* * *

Lemo looked at her watch for the hundredth time in five minutes. Barry and Andrew had been following the spiders for at least two hours now and Andy and her had stayed up waiting for them. Andy was also well aware of the time, in front of her she had charmed a huge flashing _thing_ that said the time down to the second. Andy transfixed and chewing her nails as she watched the minutes digits slowly changing.

"You know...They're probably just fine...I mean their only insects. Where the hell could they lead them?" Emo asked trying to lighten her friends spirits. Andy finally seemed to crack,

"That's it! I'm following those fucking little shits too! I have to see if Barry and Drew are okay! Anyone coming!"

Lemo raised a shaking hand,

"I'll come..."

"If we're quick we can avoided Snape on his way to his nightly bathroom trip," Andy said standing up and rushing towards the portrait hole in search for her little six legged "friends", with Lemo in tow.

* * *

Spider silk bound Andrew and Barry tightly as they hung there,

"That's the second time this year!" Andrew said, laughing.

"Why the fuck are you laughing, you mad man!" Barry cried.

Andrew laughed some more,

"Sorry but it is kind of funny. And we have to die happy mate."

Barry couldn't believe what he was hearing,

"Drew, I say this in the most caring way...YOU'VE FUCKING LOST IT!"

"Indeed I have. Read any good books lately?"

"Oh dear lord..."

"I know! We should play truth or dare!"

"And how are we going to do dares?"

"We'll play truth!"

"Andrew, I don't want to be spending the last hours of my life playing 'Truth'" Barry said, as more huge spiders gathered around below them.

"I spy?"

"No."

"Chicken?"

"No."

"Gay chicken?"

"Hell no."

Andrew moaned in annoyance,

"Barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry! I'm _bored_!"

Barry ignored him,

"What do you think their doing down there?"

Before Andrew could reply a booming voice echoed through the forest,

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY DEN!"

"Uh...Barry and Andrew...We don't know..." Andrew said timidly as Barry lost his voice.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DO NOT KNOW!"

"We were told by a friend to follow the spiders..."

"WHO IS YOUR FRIEND!"

"Barry, I just told you that."

"NO! WHO TOLD YOU TO COME HERE!"

"Hagrid."

"HAGRID! YOUR A FRIEND OF HAGRIDS!"

"Yep."

"HOW IS HAGRID!"

"He's good...Apart from the fact he's been taken away by the ministry, because they think he opened the Chamber of Smells..."

"HAGRID DID NO SUCH THING! HE DIDN'T OPEN THE CHAMBER LAST TIME NOR DID HE RELEASE THE MONSTER THAT IS WITHIN!"

"You know about the Chamber of Smells?" Barry asked finding his voice.

"YES OF COURSE I DO! THEY ASSUMED I WAS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THAT GIRL! BUT THAT WASN'T ME!"

"What was it then?" Barry asked as Andrew kicked him,

"Don't push it mate..." he mumbled.

"WE SPIDERS FEAR IT! WE DO NOT SPEAK IT'S NAME!"

"Could, you just this once?" Andrew kicked Barry again.

"EAT THEM!"

"Great going dickhead..."

The pair caught sight of a way too big spider disappear once more into the shadows as smaller, but still huge spiders began climbing towards them. Then just as Barry and Andrew were saying as many swear words as they knew, (including other languages...) there came a loud roar. A roar that sound suspiously like the sound of a _car_...

**

* * *

A/N This next paragraph was written by Lemo, she wrote in English several months ago! lol**

"Ow! Watch where you're pointing that thing!"

"But there are giant spiders in this forest! They could EAT us!"

"So? That doesn't mean you should curse everything that mo-"

"STUPEFY!"

"...That was a leaf."

Andy scowled at Lemo. "Oh shut up you."

Lemo stuck her tongue out at her friend. The glared at each other for a few minutes before their staring contest was cut short by a loud sneeze from Lemo.

"Well it wasn't _my_ idea to come into the Forbidden-Fucking-Forest!" Andy snapped.

"Well _I_ didn't tell _our_ idiot boyfriends to follow the fucking spiders!"

"Yeah! It's all Haggis's fault!"

"That's Hagrid."

"Oh whatever, who cares anyway?"

CRACK!

Lemo whirled around. "What was that!"

"Now who's paranoid?" Andy muttered with a roll of her eyes.

"No seriously I heard some- EEEP!"  
Lemo let out an uncharacteristic squeal and pointed into the trees.

Andy looked in the direction Lemo was pointing in and let off a similar squeal.

"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God." she muttered backing into a tree.

Lemo was chanting a similar mantra. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

The two girls' stared wide-eyes at the sea of spiders, varying from chicken sized to the size of small elephants, swarming towards them.

"I knew something like this was going to happen!" Andy screamed, momentarily forgetting her wand and scrambling up the tree.

"You did? Why didn't you _warn_ me!" Lemo shouted as she followed her friend.

Andy and Lemo climbed to the top of the tree and looked down at the spiders. They immediately wished they hadn't when they saw many of the smaller spiders already climbing up the trunk.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck." Lemo started her chant again,

"We're gonna die! We're dead I tell you! Dea- "Andy's ramblings were cut short by a loud honking voice.

HONK! HONK!

Lemo frowned. "Geese...?"

Andy looked into the distance and her eyes widened. "Is that a-"

"FLYING CAR!" Lemo interrupted.

(Indeed, there was a small blue car flying straight towards them.)

"Isn't that Don's dad's ford?" Andy thought aloud.

"And isn't that your boyfriend leaning out the door?" Lemo said joining Andy in her thinking.

They turned to each other for a second before looking back at the car.

"ANDREW! GET OVER HERE AND SAVE OUT ASSES!" Andy screamed.

"Oh god, we're going to be rescued in a FORD! I'd rather let the spiders get me!"

"SHUT UP LEMO!"


	23. It Just Gets Better! DOESN'T IT!

**Chapter twenty-three: Just Gets Better! DOESN'T IT!**

The castle's light twinkled and winked as Don's dad's flying car flew towards it .

"Wow!...It's so pretty!" Lemo said as her and Andy ooed and ahhed at the sight. To their right the lake's water gently lapped at the water's edge.

"So, what happened to you guys back there?" Andy asked Barry and Andrew.

"Got caught and hung by huge spiders...You know the usual," Andrew said as though it was every day you got hung up side down by over-grown spiders. Andy and Lemo gasped,

"Shit! That would have-"

Suddenly the car lurched downwards landing heavily on the ground.

"Oh thank fucking god we aren't dead!" Andrew let out a sigh of relief. The car lurched again, they had crashed into the Offensive Oak...

"Don't speak so soon, Drew!" Barry whimpered.

Lemo kicked open her door. As soon as it opened a knotted branch swung down, knocking the door clean off the car.

"HOLY SHIT!"

"That's gona cost..." Andy muttered as Lemon screamed,

"ABANDON CAR, LEMONS AND OTHER CONFECTIONARIES FIRST!" Lemothrew herself out of the car, latching onto a nearby branch, Andy closely followed, both of them were thrownaround clinging to the tree for dear life. Barry and Andrew exchanged horror stricken looks as a large branch smashed through the windscreen.

"MOTHER OF SHIT, I'M GOING TO FUCKING DIE!" Andrew screamed.

"Told you not to speak so soon..."

"Not now, Barry!"

There was suddenly a loud thump on the roof,

"THE ROOF IS GONA CAVE!" Barry yelled.

"How heavy do you think I am!" Andy yelled from above, "Oh shit..." there came another thump, a lot louder than the previous. Barry looked up, there was a deep dent in the roof - inches from Andrew's head, obviously the last thump was from the tree.

"You have to juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuump!" Lemo called as she sped past, still holding onto a branch. She then just let go.

"LEAH!" Barry yelled as the Mr. Weasel's car had had enough. The car doors burst open, Andrew and Barry were thrown out. Imediately they grabbed branches, Barry desperately tried to see where Lemo was.

"SAUCEY! GET ANDY!"

Barry looked down to see Lemo frantically jumping up and down on the ground pointing at Andy, who'd been knocked out by the blow of the branch on the roof. The car dangerously tipped backwards and forwards on the Offensive Oak's branch. Barry tried to swing from one branch to the next, to try to get to Andy, while Lemo continued to jump up and down saying,

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..."

The car finally began to nose dive, Andrew swung out of now where and grabbed Andy he then let go of the branch he was holding. Barry realised he had to do the same thing, he then let go.

* * *

All of them limping slightly, they proceeded slowly to bed. Barry checked his pocket for his invisibility cloak, luckily it hadn't fallen out, well at least nothing _else_ went wrong that night. Just as that thought crossed his mind Professor McGonagall came around the next corner, _Thought too soon..._

"Oh children! Thank god I found you!" Seeing McGonagall closer up she looked tired, worried and almost _tearful_.

"Uh...Yes you did..." Andrew said, waiting for the explosion for being out of bed.

"I thought you may have been petrified! I didn't want to have to deal with anymore! The school may be closed! I don't know what we're going to do! I came to find you, Erin Parker...she's been petrified!"


	24. Shit! Insert Intelligent Tagline Here

**Chapter twenty-four: Shit...(Insert Intelligent Tagline Here...)**

"Emo was petrified!" Andrew put a protective arm around Andy, as though just his arm was going to fight off everything.

McGonagall nodded grimly,

"Yes she was...And she had this book with her...and this spoon for some reason..." she held up one of Mione's books and a tablespoon, "Now, children I want you in bed imediately! It's too dangerous out here!"

"Professor, can we please have the book?" Andrew asked looking at ther book with interest.

Professor McGonagall seemed suspious, especially since Andrew had hardly ever opened a book in his life, but sher handed it over all the same,

"Now off to bed!"

Without having to be told again, Andrew, Andy, Barry and Lemo continued their limping journey back to the Gryffindor tower. For a while they just walked in silence as Andrew read the book. The only noise was the sound of the turning pages. When suddenly Andrew gasped,

"Emo! She figured it out! She figured it out! - Mione actually did...But Emo realised Mione had!"

"Huh?" the other said blinking in confusion.

"The monster in the chamber! It's a Basilisk!" Andrew shoved the paper under Andy's nose, "This is one of the book Mione got out of the library, _the day she got petrified_!"

_The Basilisk_

_Closely related to the armadillo family, though still a snake, it's a horrible beast. It's large amber eyes can kill anything that meets it's gaze..._

"That's why all the plants are dying around the castle!" Lemo exclaimed as Andy muttered,

"Good Riddance..."

"Hang on! Mione must have it wrong! No ones died!" Barry said.

"That's 'cause no one _met it's gaze_!" Andrew was becoming unnervingly excited.

"Emo had a tablespoon to see round corners! Louie and Mrs. Norris...They had the water that Lemo and I were cleaning up. Cescille had her make-up mirror...Seamus he...saw the reflection in the double doors! Mione...Wait how come Mione didn't die?" Andy scrunched her face up, trying to make her brain function.

The group walked in silence.

"SHE READS!" Lemo cried triumphantly.

"Yes. Yes she does Lemo..." Barry said putting an arm around her.

"WITH GLASSES! You know when the light strikes your glasses at the right angle Barry, and you can see behind you..." Lemo explained.

It all dawned on the others faces and they all nodded.

_The snake is large in size and often needs to shed it's skin..._

"Wait a second, wouldn't someone had to have notice a bloody huge snake roaming around petrifying people?"

"Mione's answered that for us..." Andrew said hitting the bottom of the book with his hand. In Mione's tidy handwritting it said; _Pipes_. Then below it in Lemo's not-so-tidy handwritting it said; _Eww...Smelly!_

Everyone turned and looked at Lemo,

"Hey! I popped into see her, bathroom break..."

_Spiders flee before it. The cry of a rooster is fatal to the Basilisk._

Lemo and Andy began cracking up. Barry looked at them in amazement,

"Mione's just been pretrified and you guys and killing your fucking selves laughing!"

"The deadly cock!" Lemo spluttered as Andrew and Barry muttered to each other how immature girls were...


	25. Looking Into Corners

**Chapter twenty-five: Looking Into Corners**

The castle was silent as Lemo flashed her candle into corners,

"Where the fuck is he...?" Lemo had yet _again_ lost Winston and it was getting out of hand, she knew if she asked Barry again he would blow up and she had no idea where Andy had disappeared to...She snuck out of the girls dorm at around midnight. Lemo was a little scared about walking around in the dark alone, but she knew that since she was pure blood the heir wouldn't attack her. Would they? Well it was a risk she had to take, Winston was alone and she had to find him.

'Winnie!" Lemo cried in triumphant when she spotted him, she picked up the quivering little weasel, "What's the matter baby? Mummy's here!" she clutched him closer, "Winston?" Suddenly Lemo saw something in Winston's eyes, something more than fear. A reflection. A reflection of large glowing eyes. Then all went black.

* * *

"Saucepan! Rose! Watson!" Professor McGonagall called over the morning rush. Barry, Andy and Andrew spun around. Barry meet McGonagall's gaze and realized Lemo hadn't just gone to have a shower early...

"I sorry to have to tell you this so soon after Miss Parker and Miss Ranger, but Miss Roberts has also been petrified-"

"What!" Andy began crying, she had spent most of last night trying to keep Andrew safe and then Lemo goes and get herself petrified. This was fucking _fantastic_, then something popped into Andy's head, "But professor! Leah was pure blood! Doesn't the heir only target the pure bloods?"

McGonagall shook her head,

"The person must have something personal held against her...Oh and I have more grave news for you. When we found Miss Roberts, she was clutching a dead weasel...I'm assuming this was a pet?" McGonagall pulled out a stiff Winston.

"YES! The bugger died!" Barry exclaimed.

McGonagall looked at Barry with a mixture of shock and anger,

"Now, Saucepan-"

"Sorry, Professor..."

"Lemo's going to be heartbroken!" Andrew said gently poking the stiff animal.

"Mr. Watson, please stop that we're sure the animal is dead!"

"I know that...It's just all squishy..."

"Drew!" Andy was disgusted, "Let it be! Now, as for Lemo...If we get her another weasel she'll probably not even notice the difference!"

Barry shook his head,

"That'd be lying!"

"Yes, Saucepan is right. Now children, one of you take the weasel and I'll alert Miss. Roberts parents..."

Andy, Andrew and Barry nodded glumly and Barry took Winston. As soon as McGonagall was out of earshot, Barry spoke,

"You know what we have to do now, don't you?"

"Bury Winston?" Andy suggested.

"That too...But we _have_ to find out where the entrance to the Chamber is!"

"Wh-"

"Mr. Watson."

They all turned around once more, to see Dumbledore looking down his crooked nose at them,

"Mr. Watson, your parents have requested to take you from the school. I'm sorry you won't be returning to the Hogwarts unless the heir is caught. Your parents are waiting in the entrance hall for you now." The usual twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out, while Andy burst into a fresh lot of tears.


	26. A Tearful GoodBye

_**Author note:** Just so you know Barry Saucepan and the Video of Dooooooooooooooooooom, isn't the fourth story, I'll still write a Barry Saucepan and the , my own version of PoA - that is if you want me to... So please restrain yourself from eating me because I "put out the fourth before I finished the third". lol Emo..._

_So please review! _

_Name not inserted so it doesn't ruin the surprise...;)_

**Chapter twenty-six: A Tearful Good-Bye**

Andy was still crying as Andrew dragged his bags down to the Great Hall,

"You can't go!"

Andrew shrugged helplessly,

"Nothing I can do babe, Ma and Pa haven't given me a choice."

Barry shook Andrew's hand,

"Don't worry, mate you'll be-"

Andy burped, leaving a distant spell of mustard.

"Oh that's just _bad_!" Don yelled fanning the air.

Andrew sniffed the air,

"You _did_ steal my sandwich!"

Andy looked guilty,

'I'm going to miss you so much Drew!" she yelled throwing her arms around him once more. He hugged her back,

"Don't worry Am, just like Barry said; I'll be back before you know it..."

"I said that?" Barry asked, struggling to remember when he'd said it. Andrew ignored him,

"As for you guys, you have to find out where the chamber is. The sooner you do that, the sooner muggleborns can return to Hogwarts."

"Andrew Alexander Watson! Get you rear end here boy!" said the elderly man standing by Andrew's parents, who were talking to Dumbledore.

Andrew rolled his eyes,

"Coming Grandad!"

"Quick boy! Before the Nazis invade!"

"_Grandad_! This is Hogwarts! The Nazis-"

"Quick boy! Stop hugging that stranger-"

"That's Amber she was at our place most of the holidays!"

"Hi Mr. Watson!" Andy waved at the man.

"Who the bloody hell are you!"

Andy looked shocked, while Andrew didn't look surprised,

"He has no short term memory...I'm lucky he knows who _I_ am..." Andrew muttered, before he pecked Andy on the cheek and hugged Don and Barry - in a masculine way of course, "Oh and Am, don't take this opportunity to throw yourself at Diggor Cedry," he said with a wink as he walked over to his parents and left Hogwarts, for what may be his last time.

* * *

"I miss Lemo! I miss Emo! And Mione! And Drew! I miss Drew!" Andy cried for the hundredth time that afternoon, Don and Barry groaned.

"I wouldn't mind being petrified if this is what we have to put up with..." Barry muttered, Don nodded in agreement.

"Hey, you guys hear that?" Andy suddenly whispered. The boy's froze as Andy made her way over to the abandoned classroom door.

"What is it?" Barry whispered over to her.

"The staff room...It's right across the hall! Someone has been taken into the chamber!"

"What!" The boys both rushed to the door and leaned out.

"...Yes, it was Ginny Weasley," Knockharp said in a bored voice.

"I believe the name is _Minnie Weasel_," Snape voice was full of hatred, no doubtedly for both Minnie and Knockharp.

Barry, Andy and Don's mouths dropped open in shock. For a moment they stood in silence,

"I never really did like her..." Andy said.

"Andy! She's my _sister_!"

"Don, but you have to admit she was a little bitch," Barry reasoned.

"GUYS!"

"Sorry-" Andy began, but Lemo's brother burst through door, directly into Don.

"Hey guys! I've got joke!" Jonny announced when he saw them, "What did one ghost say to the other ghost?"

"Jonny, now's not the-"

"What?" Andy interrupted, eager for the distraction.

"You-Know-BOO!" Jonny and Andy cracked up, they high-fived as Don and Barry looked at each other in dismay,

"Hey, Jonny did you know Minnie's been taken into the chamber?" Don asked. Jonny's smile disappeared,

"FIRST MY SISTER AND NOW MY BEST FRIEND!"

"_Finally_! Someone gives a fucking toss!" Don hugged Jonny, who shoved him off,

"I knew something was up! I knew I shouldn't have left her alone! Now it's all my fault!"

"Wow..." Barry muttered, _everyone_ seemed to think everything was always their fault...

"When was she taken! Were there any witnesses! DID SHE TAKE FOOD WITH HER! They could starve her! They could Chinese torture her! NO! I have to find her! Before the Nazis come!"

"The Nazis?" Andy asked.

"Yea, an old muggle man told me about them-"

"Oh! You've met Mr. Watson-"

"I'VE GOT TO SAVE HER, BEFORE-" _Whack_. Don knocked Jonny over with a nearby saucepan,

"Whoops...Only meant to knock some sense into the little guy, not actually knock him out..."

"Where the fuck did you get that!" Andy exclaimed.

"No idea...It was just there..."

Barry rolled his eyes. Idiots. All of them.

Suddenly Don, Andy and Barry stopped and listened once more to the teachers in the staff room.

"...So Knockharp, we all know you're _outstanding_ at Defence Against the Dark Arts, this would come under that subject!" Flitwick squeaked.

"Was that sarcasm I heard there, Flitwick?" Knockharp asked, pretending to sound shocked.

"Yes. Yes it was."

"Sarcasm," Knockharp paused, no doubt to flash the teachers one of his blinding white grins, "Is the _lowest_ form of wit."

"At least I have wit!"

"At least I have height!"

"At least I'm not some dumb fucker, pretending he knows best, when in reality he knows bugger all!"

Barry, Don and Andy burst out laughing.

"Go Flitwick!" Andy spluttered.

The noise in the staffroom silenced, Flitwick popped his head into the room they were in. The trio immediately stopped laughing,

"Oh shit..." Barry said under his breath.

"Thanks!" Flitwick whispered to them, he then winked and called back into the staff room, "Nope, no one's in there! Must have been the wind!" he then turned back to the trio, "Enjoy the show!"

"Knockharp, you've been claiming you've known where the chamber is the whole time. Now that Weasel has been taken down, you better go get her!" Snape said sounding pleased at making someone elses life misery.

"Well, I-"

"Oh of course, just the other day you said you could see the logic the heir was using when he picked his/her targets..." They could _hear_ McGonagall smiling wickedly.

"Now, did I say-"

"Yes, you did!" Flitwick chirped.

"Well I-"

"-Better get down there and bring Minnie back here."

"That-"

"Thank-you _Professor_ Knockharp!"

"But-"

The trio heard the scraping of chairs as all the teachers rose and left the staffroom. Flitwick walked in a few moments later,

"Sorry children, was less exciting than I was hoping..." He winked again, as he tried to stand on a stool so he could see them eye to eye. To end his struggle, Barry picked him up and put on the top,

"I would've got there..." Flitwick mumbled in annoyance.

"Yea, we know, sir."

"As long as you do...Now children I have some bad new for you..."

They all nodded,

"Yea we-"

"Children! What happened to Mr. Roberts!"

Barry, Don and Andy looked down at Jonny,

"Oh him, well you see it's quite a funny story..." Don said laughing nervously.

"...Yea, you see he..." Barry voice trailed off.

"He walked into the wall." Andy finished.

"The wall?" Flitwick looked at where Jonny was in the room, while Don and Barry slapped their foreheads. Jonny was in the middle of the room, there was no wall that he could've walked into. But luckily Flitwick let it go,

"Well anyway, Minnie has been taken into the chamber. We don't know where that is...So well, we're screwed."

"Uh...We kind of already knew..." Andy said.

"Of cour-"

"OF COURSE!"

"Barry I may be vertically challenged, but I can speak perfectly fine!"

Barry ignored him,

"ANDY! DON! I-"

"Oh! He's finally learnt our names!" Andy grabbed Barry into a hug. He pushed her away,

"Come with me!" he ran out of the room.

"Where the fuck is he going!" Don yelled as he chased after him.

"No fucking idea..." Andy replied, leaping over Jonny and running out of the door, after Barry and Don.

Flitwick stood on the stool near the middle of the room, near Jonny's unconcious body,

"Lucky I have my wand, otherwise I'd-" Flitwick searched his pockets, "Oh crap, I'm stuck."

* * *

"Barry! Fucking slow down!" Andy puffed as she clutched the stitch in her right side.

"Barry, we've gone down this corridor twice already!" Don yelled, equally puffed, as they continued sprinting down the corridor. Rob Thomas's 'This is How a Heartbrakes' plays in the backround. **(A/N:Okay it didn't, but This is How a Heartbrakes, always makes me think of running for some reason...)**

Barry sighed, they were right, he just wanted to awe them with his problem solving skills. Unfortunately he got lost,

"Andy, where is the toilet Groaning Gina haunts?"

Andy looked startled,

"Why the hell would you want to see her!"

Barry opened his mouth to respond, when Andy took off,

"Follow me!"

"Wha-"

"Just run Don!" Barry took off after Andy.


	27. To the Girls Bathroom! Wooooooooooosh!

**Chapter twenty-seven: To the Girls Bathroom! Wooooooooooosh!**

"Groaning Gina!" Andy called loudly, her voice echoed around the empty girls bathroom. Don and Barry looked around nervously.

"Amber? Is that you? Is Leah there too?" A females voice came from a nearby cubicle.

"No, Leah's not here..."

"Oh good!" Groaning Gina suddenly appeared out of a toilet grinning - not meeting the description Lemo had given Barry, "I still haven't forgiven her for that-" Groaning Gina caught sight of Don and Barry, "This is a _girls_ bathroom." she folded her arms across her chest.

"Nice to meet you Gina..." Don said hopefully, holding out his hand.

"Gina, I'm Barry. How did you die?"

Andy thumped Barry across the head,

"For god sake! Where's your friggen manners!"

But instead of Groaning Gina looking mad or upset, she looked pleased with Barry's question,

"Oh it was _horrible_!" She winked.

"Really? Could you tell us about it?"

"Well, I was in that cubicle right there," She pointed to a cubicle to her left, "I was crying because Ella had been teasing me about my glasses again. I mean their not _that_ bad are they? And _lots_ of people wear glasses, I mean you do Barry and no one hates you for that do they? Infact you're _famous_ and have glasses and-"

"Uh...Gina your death?"

"Oh yes! I then heard a boy outside talking in another language. - Might have been Spanish...So I unlocked my cubicle to tell him to LEAVE or at least speak English so I could eavesdrop. Not those exact words of course. Because if he knew, then it wouldn't be eavesdropping! But if I gave him a _hint_ to speak English, you know, push him in the right dirrection...Y'know? Hehe. Anyway...I died."

"You just died?"

"No, I saw a large pair of yellow eyes, by the sinks."

"Did you see the boy?"

"No."

"Which tap was it closest to?"

Gina floated over to a tap,

"This one."

Barry rushed over to the tap and examined it. He turned the tap, however no water came out.

"It never worked," Groaning Gina informed him, "Probably because no one used it because of...Well _Andy_ knows why. It's been passed down centuries why not to use that tap...Rather gross really...There was this-"

"Please shut it," Don said, sick of Groaning Gina's pointless waffling.

Barry ran his fingers all over the tap, searching for something. _Anything_,

"Guys, tell me all you know about Salazar Slytherin..."

"Well...He liked green..."

"He was pureblood."

"Against muggleborns and half bloods attending Hogwarts."

"Didn't get along with the other Hogwarts founders."

"Hang on, if they didn't get along why did they form a school together?" Andy pondered.

"No idea," Barry muttered, "Keep the facts coming..." Barry's fingers ran over something on the side of the tap.

"He was left handed..."

"What! Andy, how do you know that?"

"I don't, but that'd be interesting if it were true!"

Barry bent down slighty to get a better look at it. It was a small snake engraced into the side of the tap. Maybe it was like a mouthpiece? What if he talked into it? Would it open the chamber? Making sure he'd be heard over Andy, Don and Gina he spoke loudly and clearly,

"_Open_."

Andy, Gina and Don stopped chattering instantly and looked at Barry with shocked expressions.

"He was also parselltongue..." Andy whispered barely opening her mouth, "Barry? Are you related to Salazar Slytherin!"

Gina screamed and dive bombed into the closest toilet,

"Please don't smite me!" she gurgled from inside the U-bend.

"What?" Barry asked them, "What are you guys on about?"

"You just spoke parsell tongue!"

"I did?"

"You did! You just hissed at the-" Andy stopped short when the basins started to rise into the air. Leaving a huge hole in the middle of the bathroom. A sign dropped down from the bottom of the risen basins, it said:

_Welcome to the Chamber of Secrets_

_Designed solely for Purebloods,_

_by the **true** founder of Hogwarts _

_Salazar Slytherin_

_Please sign the guest book on the way out._

"There's a guest book?"

"No time! My sisters in there!" Don yelled, without much thought he jumped into the huge hole. Hoping for the best, Barry followed. Andy stood on the edge, looking down nervously, she really didn't want to jump then Andrew's words played in her head. _"As for you guys, you have to find out where the chamber is. The sooner you do that, the sooner muggleborns can return to Hogwarts."_ She jumped. Screaming the whole way.


	28. The Chamber is Smelly

**Thanx 4 your reviews (and Marshmellows...) ) be sure 2 tell Ambo watcha think people!z**

**Chapter twenty-eight: The Chamber is Smelly**

As Barry, Don and Andy landed on the earth at the bottom of the earth there was a soft crunching sound.

"Uh oh...What was that?" Andy asked rubbing her sore ass.

"_Lumos_!" Barry muttered, waving his wand around examing the ground. When the light lit the ground Andy lept up,

"Oh, that's nasty!"

The ground was thickly layered in bones of rats and what looked like thick snake skin.

"Now, I really understand why this place is called the Chamber is called the 'Chamber of Smells'. It really smells like shit in here!" Don said holding his nose.

"Now remember-" Barry stopped as the whole chamber they were in lit up, Don and Barry instinctively shut their eyes, preparing themselves for the snake.

"Found the light switch!" Andy said excitedly, "Holy shit..." she said surveying the room. Barry and Don's snapped open, stone snakes weaved around the room on the walls and ceiling. Thousands of dead roosters were ruthfully killed and hung on the snake heads, each rooster in a different stage of decaying. More recent rooster murders were obvious as they were covered in feathers.

"Bloody hell..." Don whispered.

"Shit, of course. The heir had to kill every rooster that was close enough for the basilisk to hear it crow..." Barry said kicking a rat skeleton, "Two guesses what it enjoys to eat."

Andy crinkled her nose and looked up at the hole which they had jumped from,

"Is it just me, but do we always seem to jump down holes into dangerous places?" she said.

Before either of the boys could answer there came a shrill scream, as a body fell from the top of the hole.  
"Who the fuck..."

_Ooff-crunch_. Gilderoy Knockharp landed with a loud crunchy thump, if that was possible...For a few moments he just lay in a lump.

"Maybe he's dead!" Don suggested hopefully, poking him with a rat rib bone.

"Ow! What are you _doing_ you inbicile!" Knockharp yelled as he rose to his feet.

"What did it look like, _Professor_?"

Knockharp grunted and looked around,

"So, you found the Lost Chamber? I'm very proud of you."

"Uhh...It's not very lost now is it?" Andy said prodding a nearby rooster carcus.

"No, your right...Just think how pleased everyone will be when I lead them here. Infact it'd make them take back everything they've said about me. Wish they'd never doubted me...Of course there is very few of those people," Knockharp flashed them a grin, that looked threatening in the dim light.

"What do you mean when _you_ lead them here!" Barry asked.

"Well...I may as well tell you since you're not going to remember later anyway-"

"What's that supposed to mean!" Andy demanded.

Knockharp winked,

"You'll find out soon enough! Now children, You probably always wondered how I, Gilderoy Kon Knockharp, did so well in the magical community. Well you see I can't do many spells except I must say that I do a Memory-clearing spell _very_ well. Infact I'd call it an _art_. I-"

"Are you saying..." Barry said slowly, "You never did do all that stuff you said did, did you? You just found people who really did amazing things, then wiped their memory and said you did it!"

Knockharp burst onto an applause,

"_Well done Barry_!"

"And then your going to-" Barry began to finish, when Andy's eye grew round, she threw herself at Knockharp.

"Andy!"

Andy had Knockharp pinned to the ground and was punching him, while she screamed at him,

"You...Are...Scum...Professor!"

"Andy, calm down!" Don tried to pull her off, with Knockharp's wand in his mouth, "He's unarmed, he can't harm us, just get off him!"

Eventually, with the combined effort of Barry and Don, they managed to get Andy off Knockharp. Knockharp slowly rose to his feet with a swollen lip, black eye and a few scratches. His face broke into a painful, yet satisfied smile,

"Of course," he whispered, "_Rose_."

"Huh?" Barry looked from the furious Andy to the bloodied up Knockharp, "Is there something we're missing?"

"Miss Rose's father was the man who did the actual voyaging with vampires..." Knockharp said laughing slightly, "Must have thought your father had gone over the edge, Amber? Claiming he had been in close contact with vampires, while he was in St Mangos with memory problems? Yes, that dumb father of yours was a strong man and slowly was beating my spell. Well _was_ until I went there and _visited_ him..."

Barry and Don stood there in shock, both of them didn't think they should stop Andy, now that they knew the truth.

"I suppose you heard about my visit? The doctors thought it would do your father some good to meet the man who _really_ voyaged with vampires. It was so _unfortunate_ it made him worse..."

"_Obliviate_!" Andy roared, wand raised and pointing at Knockharp. As the spell hit him, his face turned from smug to shocked, he fell to the ground.

"Is he dead _now_!" Don asked even more hopefully than before.


	29. Mucking Around Discussing Politics

**I am a Banana: I'm the retard, my betterer wasn't around 'cause she was at school...I did mean Ruthlessly...looks guilty, hides behind curtains**

**Sorry it took me so long! I try and update sooner, 'specially since it's the holidays:)**

**Chapter twenty-nine: Mucking Around Discussing Politics **

"No, Don. Knockharp isn't dead," Barry said looking at Andy with new found respect, "Or is he?"

"No, he's not dead," Andy replied chest heaving and looking shocked, as though someone told her Snape had washed his hair - that kind of shocked.

"Oh," Don hung his head in disappointment.

"What did you do to him then?" Barry asked.

Knockharp rose to feet,

"Children? Would you be so kind as to show me where the nearest bathroom is?"

"Bathroom?" Don looked at him, "It's up there..." Don pointed upwards.

"Well that's a bloody long way up! Now boys may I ask, what are we doing down here? Did you drop something?"

"N-"

"I'm not a boy!" Andy protested.

"Of course your not..." Knockharp said patting Andy on the shoulder. Expecting Andy argue more Don and Barry began to explore around them, only Andy didn't,

"Fine, call me a boy if you wish. But I just want to know...What's your name?"

Barry and Don looked up and listened for Knockharps response.

"My name?"

"Yes, your name."

"I-I don't know...What's yours? Maybe we could share it...?"

"So I did do it right..." Andy muttered.

"Do what?" Knockharp asked.

"A memory charm, I did it right..."

"Well done son!" Knockharp congratulated her with a hug, "Who now has no memory?"

"You."

"Well, that wasn't very nice! What-"

"Barry...Don...Andy...?" Came a voice from above.

"NICK!" Barry yelled back up towards the voice.

"Yep, and Jonny's here too! Hang on, we're coming down!"

"No, don't-" Don began

Soon Jonny and Nick landed on top of each other,

"Get off me, you fagot!" Jonny yelled, sounding as though his face was squashed.

Now, young man, referring to someone as a fagot is not only offending them, but also-"

_Whack_ Don hit him over the head with a saucepan.

"_Where the fuck are are you getting them!_" Barry yelled, as Jonny said at the same time,

"It was _you_!"

Don chose to ignore both of them.

Andy rolled her eyes,

"Why! Why! Why did I wind up stuck with you lot!"

"Because you looooooooooooooooooooooooove us!" Barry said.

"Oh god! You sound like my sister!" Jonny screamed and backing away from Barry.

"Hey! He is too!" Nick agreed.

"Shuddup..." Barry answered back, folding his arms.

"GUYS! Focus!" Don said.

"On what?" Nick asked.

Don tapped his foot impatiently, looking very much like Mione, only a few things different here and there.

"Donny Wonny?" came Jub/Jalayna's voice from above.

"Jubby!"

"Donny Wonny, what are you doing down there?"

"Saving Hogwarts!"

"Oh, Donny Wonny! You make me so proud!"

Don positively glowed.

It was now Andy's turn to tap her foot impatiently and clear her throat.

"Donny Wonny, I'm coming down!"

"No! Jubby don't!"

"Donny Wonny..." Jub now sounded suspious, "Who else is down there...?"

"Well, there's Barry and Andy and-"

"What are you doing to Andy?"

"Nothing?" Don looked confused.

"Well, then why can't I come down?"

Don sighed,

"Fine you can come down..."

Jub jumped.

"Oh for god sake! Are we going to do what we came down here to do or what!" Andy roared.

The chamber began to shake and a large amount of rocks began to fell from the roof. Everyone dived to try and protect themselves. The rocks fell, creating a large wall between Barry and the rest of them.

_'Well that's just a coincedence..._' Barry thought to himself.

"I didn't do it!" Andy's voice came from the other side.

"Andy!"

Barry heard several people thump her on the back.

"Hang on...Barry? Barry where are you!" Andy started to panic.

"I'm here!" Barry called through the rocks.

"HOLY SHIT HE'S BEEN CRUSHED!" Andy panicked more.

"No, Andy. I fine, I'm on the otherside of the rocks..."

"Really? Oh that's okay..." Andy calmed.

"Now guys, are you all listening?"

"Yes!" They chorused.

"Now, I'm going to go save Minnie. You guys clear rocks so we can get back through...Okay?"

"Yep!"

As Barry turned and began walking down the tunnel, he could already hear the scraping of rocks being shifted. For a brief moment Barry felt jealous they were all together and only had the job of clearing rocks, but he soon remembered. They had Knockharp, with no memory and he was likely to gain conscieness any moment...


	30. Three Cheers for Tom Puzzle! Or not

**Chapter thirty: Three Cheers for Tom Puzzle! - Or not...**

Barry walked through the silent tunnel, fully prepared to close his eyes if nessary. Slowly his shoes began to to absorb water around him and he could begin to feel his feet wrinkling,

"Salazar couldn't have picked a better location," he said through gritted teeth. Finally he came to yet another chamber in the center, lit by a single spot light was Minnie, lying motionless on the ground,

"Please don't be dead...Please don't be dead..." Barry muttered to himself as he ran towards her.

"Don't touch her!"

"Who the fuck?" Barry turned around and came face to face with a boy of about thirteen. Barry gasped, the boy a striking resemblence to himself.

"Ah...Barry Saucepan, of all people!"

Barry raised an eyebrow,

"I'm, sorry do I know you?"

"You have, you will and you do."

"Huh?"

The boy sighed,

"I'm Tom Puzzle."

"Well...Why didn't you that to begin with, instead of all the extra crap?"

"I was trying to add suspense, obviously wasted on you."

"Obviously," Barry said shortly, there was something about Tom he didn't like.

"Now, Barry Saucepan. The boy I was most eager to meet! The-"

"Hey, is she dead?" Barry interrupted, pointing at Minnie.

"Shut up would you! I'm trying to deliver a long winded and pointless speech here!"

"Is...She...Alive?"

"No! But she will be, you see as the life drains from her, the more power I gain. She opened her heart to-"

"Okay, that's all I needed."

"For god sake Saucepan! I'm trying to-"

"Deliver a long winded and pointless speech?"

Tom yelled in annoyance,

"Fuck up! Now as I was saying-"

"Sorry, Tom. But I gotta dash, I'll be taking Minnie with me..."

"No you won't!" Tom stood between Barry and Minnie, "Sorry Saucepan, but you won't be talking to your girlfriend anywhere..."

"Huh? She's not my girlfriend!"

"What!" Tom said in surprise, he pulled out a diary from inside his robes.

"Woah, Tom keeps a diary."

"Shut up, it's Minnie's"

"_Your reading a chicks diary_! Dude...That just ain't cool..."

"Shut up, it's partly mine..."

It was Barry's turn to be surprised,

"You share a diary with Minnie!"

"No! Now since your ready to listen, I'll explain-"

"Better make myself comfy then..." Barry said as he sat down next to Minnie, Tom chose to ignore his comment.

"Now Minnie here, has been writing in this diary for almost a year now. Writing to me. You see she would write about her feeling and the happenings of the day, then the diary would absorbed the ink she used and then I'd be able to write back to her. Part of me was in that diary. A part of my sixeen year old-"

"Your supposed to be _sixteen_!"

"Shut up Barry. Anyway little did Minnie know, that everytime she wrote to me, she gave away a small part of her life, The more she gave the stronger I came and soon I could control the little bitch. The only thing I couldn't control was her obsession with you. I couldn't have her obsessed with you. Infact I was lead to believe that she was going out with you. Which I thought would really make matters differcult. My main foe going out with the body I was controlling. Luckily I began to discover, Minnie lied about having such close connections with you. But I did give her the satisfaction of setting the basilisk on you _real_ girlfriend Leah-"

"I'm going out with _Lemo_ not Leah," Barry said, refusing to give Tom the satisfaction of knowing he had got to him.

"Well, according to Minnie, Lemo and Leah are the same person," Tom said smugly refuring to a particular page near the beginning.

"Hang on, I thought you said that the ink was absorbed!"

"Ahh...We have a listener! Yes, it does absorb the ink, but as Minnie get weaker and I get stronger, more ink appears back in the book."

"Are you saying-"

"I'm saying, _Barry_, she's dying."

Barry stared at him with great hate, he really didn't like how pleased Tom sounded with himself.

"What, no tears?" Tom said looking hopeful.

"Why would I cry? She's not my sister. Infact she's a right bitch. All she's done all year is criticise Lemo and attempt to pick fights," even as Barry said it, he still couldn't fight the nagging voice in the back of his head telling him he should display some sign of emotion.

"You know, it'd break Minnie's heart to hear that..." Tom said coldly, "Actually, it's kind of a shame she's so young. Wouldn't mind going out with her if she wasn't. Seems like the kind of chick I go for..."

"It's only three years," Barry said just as cold.

"Only three years with this version of myself. A lot more with my older self."

"Huh?"

Tom sighed again,

"You know Saucepan, I'd expected you to be a lot smarter than you really are! Well I'll just fill in the blank spots for you...Lord Voldemort is my past, present and future."

Barry gasped,

"I knew there was something about you!"

Tom threw his arms into the air,

"He gets it! Now I'm going to kill you!"

"With what exactly?"

"Your wand," Tom said with a wink, raising Barry wand in the air.

"How the fuck did you get that?"

"Magic..." Tom said with another wink.

"Fuck..." Barry cursed as he rose to his feet.

"Oh, but what is a fight without it being fair? I wouldn't want word to get out that I fought you wandless! It'd sound...Pathetic. No Saucepan, you may have your wand, I'll have the Basilisk. What's more, it only follows orders from me."

Barry cursed again.

"Now, Saucepan, I can't imagine the school approving of language like that!"

"Oh screw you..."

Tom raised his arms in mock surrender,

"Whatever, catch..." Tom threw Barry's wand at him, "_Come beauty of Salazar Slytherin_!" Tom hissed in Parseltongue. Barry heard the sliding of a huge bady along the concrete, his eyes snapped shut. This was it.


	31. Versing Lord Voldemort Fuck

**The Author is on a roll!**

**Chapter thirty-one: Versing Lord Voldemort. Fuck**

Barry ran blindly till he hit a wall.

"You know Saucepan, if I'm not mistaken...Your getting more and more stupid..."

Barry knew exactly what he was doing even if Tom didn't. He grabbed the wall, pulled himself up and shoved his hands into his pocket, that's when his fingers ran over what he was looking for, the mirror Jub gave him, She said he should carry a mirror around everywhere, because 'People care about people who care about themselves'. She also said, 'Cause most of the time you look like crap, probably because you can't see what you look like.' Jub was such a nice honest person. Barry held up the mirror so he could see behind him, he thought he'd rather be killed while he was unconcious than while conscious - less painful.

"Saucepan I never knew you were a pretty boy!"

"Piss off Tom!"

"No, incase you've forgotten Saucepan...I'm in this battle too..._I'm_ telling the snake what to do. _Kill him_!"

"I can tell it's a differcult job for you..." Barry said as he ducked the snake's fangs, which instead sank into the solid rock.

"Oh look Saucepan! Dumbledore has sent his defender a _hat_! Catch, if you can!"

Barry felt a hat hit him squarely in the face as he turned around to try and find it, Tom laughed a sardistic laugh. Barry dodged yet another of the snake's attempts to eat him. Or at least kill him.

Barry grabbed the hat and put his hand inside, not knowing what he'd find. He found a...

"What the fuck is Dumbledore fucking thinking!" Barry rolled across the floor, away from the snake, trying to read Dumbledores loopy handwriting,

_Remember Friends are there forever._

_Even when times aren't the best friends always find a way to help you._

_Even when they pass away their still there._

_Don't ever doubt your friends abilities._

_Albus Dumbledore_

_(Professor to you, Barry)_

"That's all well and good, but how's that going to fucking help me!" Barry yelled to no one in particular as he attempt to hit the snake with a large-ish rock off the floor of the chamber.

"You didn't really think that was going to do anything did you Saucepan?"

"Oi! Barry Need any help?" Don called from the door.

"You! What the fuck are you doing here!" Tom shouted angrily at Don, Andy, Jub, Jonny and Nick. _Where the hell's Knockharp?_ Barry wondered.

"Well, don't you think it's a little unfair to have two against one?" Andy yelled back.

"And five against two is any better!" Tom argued, "This is _my_ fight!" he began to jump up down, throwing a tantrum.

"Who are you anyway?" Jonny asked.

The snake seemed to finally notice there was company.

"CLOSE YOUR EYES!" Barry yelled in warning, "IT'S THE BASILISK!"

Everyone's eyes shut straight away. They began to run aroung the outside of the chamber, confusing the snake. _They must have thought about what they were going to do before hand..._ Barry continued to think. Well it was all well in good that they were confusing the snake, but it wasn't going to get them anyway either. Barry began to walk over to Tom, maybe he could some how kill him or...Well do something...Tom saw Barry making his way over to him,

"_Get the boy! Kill the boy! Ignore the others_!"

The snake was still confused he didn't know which boy Tom meant, but it did leave Andy and Jub alone. Barry finally made it up to Tom, wand raised.

"How old are you Barry?"

"Fourteen."

"That makes you...Second year?"

"Yea, what's it to you?"

"Do you know any unforgivable curses?"

"No..."

"So what are you going to do to me?"

It then hit Barry, what _was_ he going to do? He shoved his wand in his pocket, then brought back his fist and punched Tom squarely in the face.

"Arg fuck! You studid lidle secong year!" Tom yelled, his nose began to bleed, Barry punched him again,

"Call off your snake!"

"Lik hell'd!" Barry punched him again,

"Didn't catch that!"

"Enough'd!" Tom swung and hit Barry in the stomach knocking him to the floor, his wand flew out of his pocket. Tom bent down, picked it up, muttered something as he tapped his nose.

"I tried to play fairly with you...But you leave me no choice. I don't have patience for silly little boys trying to play hero. So now, I'm going to kill you. But I'm going to have some fun first!"

Barry braced himself as Tom raised his wand, but then surprised him, when Tom pointed the wand at himself. Tom changed shape, size and looks, till he looked identical to Barry.

"Hey! How did you dot that! You can only take on the identity of someone with Polyscotch Potion!"

"Barry, Barry, anything's possible with Dark Magic," He winked again, because he knew how much it was disturbing Barry, (Somewhere in the Hospital Wing Lemo was tossing in her bed, muttering 'Stop coming onto my boyfriend, you fagot...), then turned to Barry's friends,

"Guys! I got him down! All you have to do is kill him, while I tend to the snake!"

Tom ran off towards the snake, as though he was going to attack the snake, as Don, Andy, Jub, Jonny and Nick ran over to Barry, wands raised,

"No, guys don't! It's me! Barry!"

Jub rolled her eyes,

"Bullshit, you just made yourself look like Barry to confuse us! We're not stupid!"

Just as Barry was about to protest, the ghost of Winston flew from one of the chamber's walls and made out that he was going to attack the snake. Admittedly he did confuse the snake, but didn't harm it in any way, (The snake was the sharpest tool in the shed...).

"Winston! Barry look it's Winston!" Andy shouted to Tom.

Tom temporarily looked confused, but quickly covered it up assuming it was the Weasel,

"Winston, buddy! I missed you so much!" Tom cried with false happiness, within moments Don, Andy, Nick and Jonny all piled on top of Tom,

"What are you doing you dumb fuckers!" Tom yelled from the bottom of the pile.

"Your Tom! Not Barry!" Jonny shouted.

"What are you on about? He's the imposter!" Tom's hand appeared out of the pile pointing in Barry's general dirrection as he climbed to his feet.

"No he's not..." Andy grunted, "Barry hated Winston, he'd be likely to say, 'What the fuck, I was hoping, you'd be gone forever you little rodent!'"

As they continued to fight, Barry made his way over to the front of the chamber where the small black book was lying. Barry had it all figured out, he didn't know what made him think it...But he thought if he was to destroy the book, it'd kill Tom. Maybe even bring Minnie back...Barry picked up the book and opened it up towards the back, there was only five more empty pages left as the book continued to write itself. _Something sharp, something sharp..._He thought looking around, there seem to be nothing. That's when he remember for the second time that day the mirror Jub had got him. He'd rather seven years bad luck, than a life with to Voldemorts...He smashed the mirror on the ground, picked up a sharp piece of mirror and rammed it into the book, just as the Basilisk came up behind him. He spun around and thrust the mirror piece into it's mouth. It's sharp fangs clasped down on Barry's arm, the mirror piece shred through the monster mouth. It screamed in pain, as did Barry as he closed his eyes, willing them not to open. Willing this nightmare to be over...There came a loud sqawk and blood began to splirt onto Barry face. Without relising it, Barry opened his eyes and saw a magnificent bird clawing and pecking at the snake's face, it's eyes were now completely ruined.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Tom yelled, his voice began to become distant, "Your killing the Basilisk, you bastard! Your killing me! LORD VOLDEMORT! KILLING ME! Don't you worry Saucepan! My present self, wherever I am, will get you! Don't you worry!" Tom Puzzle then disappeared, as though he was a light and the light switched out. (_Hey author! **Yea?**__That was the dumbest simile I have ever heard! **Shut up Barry, I can kill you, you know...** Oh right sorry about that...Could you permantly get rid of Winston? **Shut up Barry.**_)


	32. A Sad Short Chapter

**Chapter thirty-two: A Sad (Short) Chapter**

Barry began to become light headed, he knew it he was dying...He could feel it as he collasped to the ground. He heard the basilisk fall to the ground, moaning and hissing as it slowly died of blood loss. Half heartedly he pulled the fang out of his arm and threw it aside. He felt a bird land lightly on his shoulder and felt it's cool tears flow into his wound. He heard Minnie, Jub, Don, Jonny and Nick fall to the ground next to him, trying to tell if he was still alive, while Andy sobbed near by.

"Is the Basilisk dead?" he groaned, taking all his effort to speak.

"He's alive! He's going to be fine! Barry's alive!"

"H-He is?" Andy sobbed.

"Yea! He's fine!"

Barry tried to shake his head,

"Guys...I'm dying."

Silence fell upon the group, the only sound was Andy's choking gasps, Jub's quiet crying and Don's muffled comforting, as he too held back tears. Jonny put an arm around the howling Minnie, Nick stared on helplessly as Barry closed his eyes and his breathing ceased to a stop.


	33. Dumbledore Visits, Lemo and Andy Sing

**THANKS I AM A BANANA AND LEMO AND WARRIORBYNIGHT! LUV YOU GUYS! MWAHAHAHA!**

**Chapter thirty-three: Dumbledore Visits, Lemo and Andy Sing (Badly)**

Barry lay there, he suddenly relised, _he was alive_. Around him he could hear crying.

"Hey guys..." Nick whispered, as Barry slowly opened his eyes. Unfortunately for Nick, no one listened to him and ignored him. Barry looked around and wheezed to Nick,

"What happened?"

"You died...For a little while..." Nick said staring at him.

"I-I died?"

Nick nodded,

"If it makes you feel better, it wasn't for that long..."

Barry remained alarmed and tried to sit up, except his head hurt and began to spin,

"I-I died?" he repeated in disbelief, "How?"

"Well Barry, do you know what kind of bird this is?" Nick gently ruffled the feathers of the bird on his shoulder.

"No...Should I?"

"Probably, but that's not the point...This bird is a Phoenix, their tears have healing powers. This Phoenix here brought you back from the dead."

Barry's eyes grew wide with shock, he ran his hand over his arm where the snake's fang pierced the skin. There wasn't a scar to be seen.

"The Basilisk venom is deadly, lucky for you, the tears cleared it all up. Phoenix also cleared up my large number of mosquito bites, they were really-"

"Nick..." Barry moaned.

"Sorry...But more good news for you..." Nick moved slightly so Barry could see Jonny and Minnie kissing behind him, "You've lost your stalker, but she still would probably want to thank-you..."

Barry looked away from the pair and looked over to Don and Jub who were both in tears comforting each other, then he looked over to Andy. She sat in the far corner of the room, she was in a ball rocking slightly and crying silent tears.

"Hang on, if Jonny and Minnie thought I was dead, then-Actually I don't want to know..."

Nick laughed,

"God, these guys are slow-"

"BARRY! YOUR ALIVE! Again!" Andy yelled as she lept up and grabbed Barry into a hug. Everyone's heads shot up and looked at Barry, who was slowly growing stronger and stronger. andy was helping him rise to his feet.

"Barry! Mate!" Don yelled, wiping tears from his face, then Jub's.

Barry smiled,

"You guys, have the weirdest ways of morning!"

They all laughed, mostly out of relief.

"Barry, you know what?"

"What Jonny?"

"You realise you're now The-Boy-Who-Lived-Then-Died-And-Then-Came-Back-To-Life-Again!"

"Uh...I guess I am..."

* * *

"Mr. Saucepan...Mr. Saucepan...Are you awake?" Dumbledore said softly, gently tapping his nose.

"Ugg...Sir? What is it?" Barry opened his eyes slowly, he was in the Hospital Wing. Everywhere were the yet to be woken petrified people. Some had already been looked after, but there were still a large number left. Then there were also Andy, Don, Nick, Minnie, Jub and Jonny, Madam Pomfrey demanded they stay in to rest and have a full check up.

"I wished to speak to you."

"Couldn't it have waited till I woke up?"

"But you're awake now."

"Only 'cause you woke me..."

"Now, Barry don't talk like that...I merely asked you if you were awake!"  
"Sir, you tapped me on the nose, so I _had_ to wake up."

"Nonsense Barry, your mind is confused, since you died and came back to life again. Which is quite impressive I might add...Now you'll be pleased to know, Don, Nick, Amber, Leah and Jalayna have been admitted from the Hospital Wing, Minnie should be off in a few days as well...and Andrew Watson, should be on the train now. All thanks to you."

"But sir...Isn't it kind of pointless, that Andrew should come back this year. I mean the school year is nearly finished!"

"Don't you want Mr. Watson back?"

"Huh? No that's not what I was getting at, sir-"

Dumbledore chuckled,

"I'm fully aware of that Barry. Mr. Watson wanted to come back to check-up on all of you. And I also know for a fact he's really starting to miss Miss. Rose. Quite couple those two..." Dumbledore gazed off into space.

"Remember a teenage love, Professor?" Barry asked.

"Yea...Lemon drops..."

Barry rolled his eyes,

"Sir have you ever gone out?"

"Never mind that Barry. Now Barry, I'm sure somewhere a during this year you suspected you were the heir of Slytherin?"

"Uhh...No...Why would I?"

Dumbledore looked surprised,

"You didn't!"

"No..."

"What! Why not!"

"Sir...Did you think _I_ was the heir?"

"No Barry, I didn't think you were the heir of Salazar Slytherin!"

"You didn't sir? Then why did you-"

"Of course I didn't! There's only one heir I know of-"

"It's Dracola! Isn't it Professor?"

"No, my boy! It's your friend Leah!"

"Leah? Who's - Lemo!"

"Uhhh...Yes..._Lemo_..."

Suddenly Lemo burst through the door with Andy, both of them dressed in their spy gear.

"HE'S ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIVE!" Lemo said doing a crazy jig with Andy.

"Yea...I see the family resemblance..." Barry muttered.

Lemo and Andy continued to sing their song with no rhythm and made no sence,

"He's alive, he's alive! He'll live to thirty-five, (perhaps more...) Let us show you the door, or the floor or-"

"Girls! This is a _Hospital Wing_! And the headmaster is talking to Barry, so you'll have to come back later!" Madam Pompfrey said, shooing them away.

"But ma'am! We spent _hours_ practising this routine!" Lemo moaned.

"Yes, Miss.! You have no idea how uncoordinated Lemo is!" Andy joined in.

"HEY!"

"OUT!"

"Yep. My girlfriend the heir of Slytherin."

Dumbledore chuckled,

"Quite a catch..."

"Yep."

"Barry have you ever had a Lemon Drop?"

"No, sir I can't say I have..."

"Well, Barry! Their the greatest-"

"Sir, with great respect. Shut up and let me sleep."

* * *

Barry had a sleepless night, he kept having nightmares. Mostly consisting of Voldemort/Tom Puzzle, Lemo leaving him for a Slytherin, Winston and large Lemon Drops seeking revenge. He rolled over for the hundredth time that night and found he rolled right into something solid,

"What the fu-"

"Barry Saucepan, sir!"

"Cobby?"

"It is Cobby sir!"

"Hi...What are you doing here?"

"Cobby came to tell you congratulations!" the small elf squeaked, "And to apologise..."

"Apologise? Apologise for what?" Barry asked, sitting up.

"Apologise for making Barry Saucepan's differcult year at Hogwarts even more differcult!"

"You made it more differcult? How?"

"Well, Cobby, blocked the barrier, Made the castle wall invisible so you crashed into it, put the red sock in with your whites-"

"You did that! Now all my white shirts are pink!"

Cobby nodded grimly,

"-Ate Mr. Watson's sandwich-"

"You did that! Andy had to take the blame for that...But then she did get caught with breath that smelt like the sandwich...What had she been eating!"

"-Cobby only did it, so Mr. Saucepan would hate his year so much, he'd go home! Cobby was trying to save Barry Saucepan's life!"

"Thank you very much Cobby...Now go back to your family, so I sleep..."

Cobby burst into unexpected tears,

"C-Cobby can't! C-Cobby's family released C-Cobby!"

"Cobby, that's terrible, but isn't it for the best?"

"C-Cobby has no where else to go!"

"Well..." Barry thought carefully, "They treated you like crap! They made you punish yourself! I think you should go see Dumbledore! I bet he could do something for you..."

"Y-You think?" Cobby spluttered wiping it's eyes it's dishtowel.

"Cobby, why do you still wear that thing?"

"C-Cobby has nothing else!"

"Well..." Barry looked around for any item of clothing, "You can wear clothes now right?"

"Yes...Cobby can..." Cobby said slowly.

"Well...I don't really have anything else...But you can have these socks..." Barry said, grabbing the pair of socks off his bed side table.

"Oh thank you so much Barry Saucepan, sir!" Cobby took the socks gratefully and put them on it's ears, "How do they look sir?"

"They supposed to go on your- Actually Cobby you're wearing them right and they look great."

"They do!" Cobby said beaming, "Barry Saucepan, is a great wizard sir!"

"I am? Thanks Cobby! Now can I sleep?"

"Good night Barry Saucepan sir!" With a pop Cobby was gone.


	34. Ghost of Winston

**Chapter thirty-four: Ghost of Winston**

It was Barry's first night back in the dorm and he was yet again having trouble sleeping, he finally sat up in annoyance that he wasn't going to fall asleep. He looked around,

"Andrew...?"

No sign of Andrew, no doubt he was still playing exploding snap with Andy. Barry put his glasses so he could get a better look around. Andrew's bags were still left unpacked, but it would be kind of pointless since they were leaving to go home soon anyway.

"Don...?"

Don was also absent from his bed, obviously gone for a walk with Jub. Barry thought about going down to the common room to go see if Andy could go up to see if Lemo was awake, but then he decided it was probably not a good idea. Lemo was still morning the death of Winston and had become quite moody, so she wasn't the greatest - Barry froze as he felt a cold sensation come over his legs,

"Holy shit I'm paralysed!" Barry shouted. Movement came from Thomas's bed and Seamus poked his head out,

"Barry, are you really paralysed or just having a really weird declaration moment?"

Barry stared at him in shock,

"Seamus, is Thomas in there!"

Seamus frowned,

"What are you on about? I'm just in my bed, sleeping!"

"Seamus! That's _Thomas's_ bed!"

Seamus continued to frown,

"Shut up Barry." He then put his head back behind the drapes of his bed.

"Why does _everyone_ say that!" Barry cried in frustration, but he always knew there was something too friendly about Seamus and Thomas though...Barry tried to go back to what he was thinking about previously, when he felt the cold feeling going further up his legs. Barry whimpered and pulled back the covers to find-

"Winston? What are you doing here?"

Winston looked up at Barry,

"Oh, like I can really answer-Hey! Check it out I _can_ answer you!"

Barry stared in shock for the second time in five minutes,

"W-Winston! Your supposed to be dead!"

"No shit, I _am_ dead! That's why I can talk to you!"

"Oh..."

"Yea. Now, I want you to go see mum-"

"Lemo?"

Winston sighed impatiently,

"Obviously, now I want you to go see her and tell her I'm fine with be dead. I can go where ever I want without her having to worry. I can't be eaten by Mrs. Norris, infact I can scare the shit out of the bitch-" Winston said gleefully.

"Wow, you have as bad as language as Lemo..." Barry commented.

"Hey, I spent three quarters of my life with her. What can I say? It's contagious! Now, what else did I want you to do for me..."

"Wait a second! Why don't _you_ go see Lemo?"

"Me! See _her_! Barry, Barry, she was my mother and I respected her...But the girl drove me nuts! INSANE! The constant _squeezing_ and _cuddling_ and _baby talk_. Bloody hell, the girl has serious issues! I never got a moment of peace, even when I got put in the hospital wing, she _still_ wouldn't leave me alone! God, I can't go see her, she'll somehow get me inclosed and-"

"Winston, your a ghost, there's no way you can be inclosed."

"There isn't?"

"You just drift through stuff..."

"Oh! I do, don't I? Oh, well see you then. And yes I know you hated me, so if it makes you feel better...The feeling was mutal..."

Barry rolled his eyes,

"Bye Winston."

"Good night, nice haunting ya," then Winston vanished.

* * *

Within moments, Gryffindor tower echoed with the excited scream of Lemo, 

"WINSTON! MY BABY! YOU _TALK_! YOUR AREN'T GONE FOREVER! COME HERE BABY!"

* * *

**Had to give Lemo some closure... lol Please read 'n' review, as you lovely guys always do...**


	35. More Crappy Singin & the Train Ride Home

**Chapter thirty-five: More Crappy Singing and the Train Ride Home**

"On top of spaghetti,

all covered in cheese,

I lost my poor meat ball,

when somebody sneezed,

I pulled out my shot gun,

shot him through the head,

He sneezed on my meatball,

so I shot him dead,

crawled under the table,

looked around on the floor,

all covered in mucus,

my meatball rolled out the door,

it rolled into the garden,

and under a bush,

in come some bastards foot,

turned it into mush,

pulling out my mallet,

I slammed him in the face,

brains and eyes balls,

went all over the place.

YEAH!"

Everyone groaned as Lemo struck a pose for the hundredth time, after the hundredth song on the train ride. Barry was the only one who was still clapping with genuine enthusiasm. This was most probably because he was happy that Lemo was finally back to her usual (crazy) self.

"Shall I sing it again!" she said panting as everyone, but Barry shouted,

"NO!"

"Okay...If you-"

"No way in hell!" Nick said getting up and running out of the compartment.

"Hey, Don. Do you think your mum would mind us coming around again?" Mione asked.

"Probably...Especially after the whole car thing..."

"True."

"And I can't imagine they were terribly happy after hearing all about Minnie," Emo added.

"I remember it as though it were yesterday!" Lemo exclaimed.

"Uh...Lemo, it _was_ yesterday..." Andrew said.

For once the compartment was in absolute silence. Briefly.

"On top of spaghetti,

all covered in cheese,

I lost my poor meat ball,

when somebody sneezed,

I pulled out my shot gun,

shot him through the head,

He sneezed on my meatball-"

Everyone moaned and threw Every Flavour Beans at Lemo who said,

"What! Don't you like my singing!"

"No!"

Everyone began laughing.

"What do you think will happen to the 'astounding, stunning, amazing, incredible, alluring, impressive' Gilderoy Knockharp?" Mione asked.

"Mangos probably."  
"Shite," Lemo whistled, "Where did you learn that Andy?"

"Dad," Andy said focused on the paper in front of her.

"Hey, if we get really stuck on where to meet up, well I'm sure my mum wouldn't mind much if you guys show up..." Emo said throwing some saved Every Flavour Beans in her mouth.

"My parents would probably let you guys come over as well..." Andrew said thoughtfully, "Except, you guys will have to put up with Grandpa going on about the Nazis..."

"I think your Grandpa's cool!" Andy said laughing, she stopped writing for a moment.

"Andy, what are you doing?" Lemo asked.

"I'm writing a book."

"About what?"

"An orphan who finds out he's a wizard, it's called 'Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone.' It's based on a boy who doesn't know he's a wizard and-"

"What a loser."

"Andrew, you didn't know you were a wizard until last year-"

"But I had a an _inkling_."

"You're an idiot, you didn't know-"

"And why Harry? Why not Andrew?" Andrew asked trying to get a look at her story.

"'Cause I said so," Andy replied shortly before kissing him on the forehead and continuing her writing.

"But Harry Potter _is_ a dumb name Andy..." Lemo said, agreeing with Andrew.

"Lemo, Harry Potter was your idea for the name. Remember? I couldn't come up with-"

"Shuddup..."

"What's the story line based on?" Mione asked with genuine interest.

"Our first year!" Andy exclaimed with enthusiasm, "Except, I'm going to change it slightly and I'm-"

"Hmmph, like any one's going to read something like that..." Barry muttered.

**

* * *

So...Drumroll and fanfare thing... That's Barry Saucepan and the Unnessary Sequel! Tell what you think of the whole story! Good/Bad? Lame/Funny? Sad/Happy? Black/White? To be/Not to be? Happy with the couples? Happy with the casualties? Happy with the story over all? Would you like a third Barry Saucepan instalment? Tell me! Thanks to all my FANTASTIC reviews, so loyal, sheds tear especially: I am a Banana! Lemo! WarriorByNight! Thanks sooooooooooo much and if you vote in favor of a 3rd Barry Saucepan, well then watch this space!**

**LLP**

**No refunds nor garrentees...**

**( Song made up by the real Lemo in a no doubt sugar inflicted moment.)**


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